Whatever way work changed for you in the past year and a half (be it furlough, working from home or on the front lines), it has given many of us pause to reflect on how we can make work better.
For some, that’s a change of career or even quitting work altogether, while for others that means pushing for more radical change, like a four-day work week. But one thing we can all do, no matter what job we have, is set clear, healthy boundaries between ourselves and our work. This will not only make our day-to-day experience of work better but can also help ease the overwork and stress that so many of us still reckon with.
Ahead, we speak to Evelyn Cotter, CEO and founder of SEVEN Career Coaching, and Life Coach Directory member Helen Snape about the best way to set those boundaries, whatever your work situation.
Finding ways to establish and communicate our boundaries is always important but particularly within our jobs. “In a work context you communicate and protect your boundaries to protect your own time, energy and sanity,” Helen tells R29. She points out that they are essential self-care in action, as without them “you could end up exhausted, overworked and taken advantage of. Ultimately it can lead to burnout.”
“Take some alone, quiet time and define what your boundaries are. [It can be helpful] to write them out.” It’s worth revisiting this exercise every once in a while as your boundaries are likely to evolve. “For example, behaviour you accepted as an intern may not be what you’ll accept now.”
Helen suggests that boundaries with colleagues could look like:
– Not going out on social occasions with some colleagues
– Not doing work for others
– Not participating in office gossip
– Delegating
– Not giving colleagues your social media handles.
Once you have established these for yourself, you have to communicate them as what might seem obvious to you isn’t always obvious to others.
“Be clear and direct and keep it simple,” advises Helen. “For example, if a colleague likes to come chat with you while you are working and you don’t want the distraction, you could say something like: ‘I don’t have time to talk right now. Let’s catch up at lunchtime.’ And then return to your work.”
Evelyn adds that it might suit you better to introduce a change in boundaries incrementally if you’ve been at a company for a while. “Changing how you assert your boundaries can ruffle some feathers because typically, human beings like others in their ‘tribe’ to stay the same. Change disrupts, so go easy and assert yourself incrementally, so it doesn’t feel abrupt.”
By setting boundaries with your colleagues and adjusting them as and when, you are making it easier for them to relate to you and you ward off any danger of building resentment towards anyone.
Both Helen and Evelyn advise that you have to be your own advocate in these situations and make sure you are defining your boundaries as centring on you, not as a judgement of the way your boss works.
Helen gives this example:
“You don’t need to say: ‘Your expectation of me is unreasonable because you have no work/life balance’. Instead you could say: ‘It’s important for me to have a clear separation between work and home life. That way I can be fully present and productive when I am at work. I’d like to switch off my work emails when I go home at night.’ Make your boundaries about you, not about them, by using ‘I’ statements.”
Evelyn emphasises the importance of having consistency and conviction in the need for this boundary. “Saying the right words isn’t enough with boundaries,” she says, “you need to back it up with the belief that you have a right to that boundary.” In addition, consistently defining that boundary is key “because it’s essentially training others how you will and won’t be treated.”
In these situations, the first step is to get clarity on what is being asked of you and why. Are these exceptional circumstances or are they cultural norms? How often will it be expected of you to prioritise work beyond your comfort level? “Understanding what the norms are in your organisation or industry is important,” says Evelyn. “If for example you’re working in fashion and everyone works 12-hour days leading up to fashion week, asserting your boundary around working less at those times of year is unlikely to help you progress or get along with your colleagues.” If these demands aren’t something you can ever reasonably manage, it may mean the industry isn’t right for you.
In the case of a difficult boss, Evelyn advises getting used to being uncomfortable by being assertive and having conviction in your boundaries. She adds: “Another tip I’ve given some of our clients over the years is to watch how others assert their boundaries. Study good examples of people working around you and see how they deal with the same manager and take what works for you.”
Helen adds that you should never let a boundary violation slide, whether from a peer or your boss. “Your boundaries are for your protection, so decide what ones you will find helpful. And it’s your responsibility to remind others of your boundaries if they forget them or cross them. Don’t let a boundary violation go unnoticed, ever. And be consistent in maintaining your boundaries so you don’t give out confused messages.”
If your boss is reasonable you may want to talk with them to sort through any problems. In most cases, communicating face to face is preferable. If that isn’t possible, communicate your boundaries by any means necessary – by email or text, even.
If you can’t talk with your boss, you can raise issues with human resources. And if you do not have a reliable HR department, or your assertions have been ignored, it’s always wise to join your workplace or industry’s trade union so you have support if your boss’s demands escalate.
If it keeps happening, you need to be clear – but Helen advises against giving into the need to explain the reason for that boundary, even when you are challenged.
“What can happen if you go into an explanation is that it provides wriggle room for the other person to undermine your reasoning and your boundary. You don’t owe anyone explanations for your boundaries.” This is particularly important with more overbearing managers as the more ground you give, the more they will take. Instead you should stand your ground, document any issues that arise and seek out colleagues who will back you up.
Again, if you cannot communicate with your boss, turn to HR and seek additional support from a union or employee support service.
“I would say, never say yes to everything and never say no to everything,” advises Evelyn. “Treat everything on a case-by-case basis and have a practice of checking in with you, on that day, in that moment, before answering. If possible, delay answering if you need time to feel into what you really want to do.” She recommends simple exercises like body scans to see how you’re feeling and what you are capable of taking on. She adds: “Resentment can unconsciously build when we’re not looking after ourselves and have unknowingly placed ourselves last in the queue of life.”
Helen agrees that a priority should be to slow down. “You might think that saying yes to everything isn’t a problem and it shows you are keen and hardworking. When you say yes to everything, your yes becomes devalued.”
It’s worth considering if this impulse comes from a need for external approval, which can override our ability to care for ourselves. If so, you might want to get some professional support in understanding and unpicking people-pleasing patterns.
Helen adds that you should be kind to yourself in this process. “Automatically saying yes to everything is a pattern, like walking down a well worn road. Beginning to say no and establish boundaries may be a new and sometimes complex business and you are going to make mistakes along the way. It will feel awkward for a while too.”
We spend so much of our time working. You want that experience to be as comfortable for yourself as possible. By establishing and maintaining your boundaries, you will make your working relationships, environment and job requirements manageable. You will feel less stressed, have energy and time for what is important to you. You will feel more peaceful and joyful about life.
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