Over time, the people we’ve held dear can move in different directions. Life throws us curveballs and sometimes the friendships we thought would we’d never be without, dissipate — explosively, in some cases.
But where we’re constantly consoled through our romantic plights, the sting of a friendship breakup can hit even harder, and we’re not always as open about how they impact us. So to change that, we spoke to those who’ve mourned their losses and are either still confused about what exactly went down, or thriving without their parasitic partner in crime.
From finally cutting off that toxic one-sided friendship to being ghosted by your most trusted confidante, here, 13 people recall the stings of their most devastating friendship breakups.
Some names have been changed for anonymity.
Hannah, 24
“My friendship with one of my closest friends came to an end when I realised she had no respect for other people’s time. She was always the friend that flaked, always showed up 2 hours later than you had planned and was only ever interested when she needed something from you. One time, we organised wine and cheese at my house and at lunchtime that day, I did the usual check-in to make sure she wasn’t going to flake and she confirmed she would be coming soon. I popped to the local shop to get supplies (wine & cheese) and was excited for our catch up that night. I got home and set everything up for her to be at my place by 6pm.
7 o’clock came around and she hasn’t shown up, which isn’t unusual as she was always late. By 8 o’clock I grew worried and touch base with a few friends to see if she had made contact with them. She hadn’t. Over the weekend she ignored my messages and was posting on her Instagram stories going out. On Monday she finally reached out and said she was tired that night so she had decided to go to bed instead (!!!) in that moment I knew I had to break up the friendship as it wasn’t serving me any longer.”
Lauren, 26
“Losing my best friends of almost 8 years was really hard, but it also taught me so much about how people come in and out of your lives for a reason. At first, all I could feel was hurt, rejection and betrayal. How could they give up on this awesome bond we had for so long? But over time, seeing them happy and living good lives, I realised I still had love for them and that I always would. Essentially, our friendship fell apart after living in a share house together, at the same time that I was going through some pretty serious mental health issues. I realise I would’ve put a lot of pressure on them, and at the time I didn’t feel that I had their support. I moved out, and we eventually just lost touch. I still miss them, and wish the best for them.
“It’s allowed me to open myself up to new people, experiences and friendships and I am happy with the people I do have in my close circle. I still regret the way things played out because I know if we had our time over, I would’ve tried harder to maintain our friendship – but seeing them happy makes me happy, and for now, that is enough for me.”
Saskia, 23
“I met this girl at Revs a few years ago (so that should’ve already been a red flag), and she was an incredibly chaotic person, which at the time I thought was fun. She would constantly put me in unsafe and uncomfortable situations i.e hitting on 40-year-olds and giving them our hotel address. She also had this fantastic ability to make you feel so small, yet so big at the same time. The friendship was incredibly toxic. Anyway, I invited her over for a gathering with my housemates last year and instead of, I dunno, being normal — she drank half a bottle of vodka (if not more). Later on, she ended up calling my housemate a homewrecker, yelling at me and saying I was a “bad friend” (laughable) and trying to hit on my housemates’ brother. Then finally, she crashed in my bed and refused to get out. After that, I stopped all contact with her and SHE’S still pressed about it to this day.”
Blair, 25
“I planned an impromptu holiday with someone I considered to be my best friend (at the time). I thought I knew her like the back of my hand, but being with her 24/7 for a week straight made me realise that we just didn’t get along like we thought we did. She yelled at me about random things, wasn’t willing to compromise, and got upset at everything I said. I needed that friendship to end, but I was a coward and just ignored her for a couple of months after the trip, and in turn, ignored those feelings for another two years.
“That is until I sent her a lengthy message (one of those messages on iMessage where you need to click it open) setting my boundaries and asking for space. I was met with criticism of my character and everything wrong I’d ever done in the last two years. At least it’s over I guess?”
Issy, 28
“My friend and I had been close since we were sat next to each other in Year 7 English. Even though we weren’t from the same friendship groups, we always managed to spend time together here and there and we joked about how it was irrelevant to us that we always be spending time together since we were one of the few people that we knew we’d be friends with for lfie. A problem that was always ticked me off a little was just how obsessed he was with image and being cool. I saw him leave behind really good friends for the sake of those he saw as being ‘cooler’, which really sucked.
“I understood that a lot of it was high school pressure but even after we graduated, this never changed. He was slack with plans, flakey with comms, but never when it came to an underground warehouse party of people who were ~connected~ in some way or another. I finally made the decision to bid him good riddance when I went through something pretty tough and he didn’t reach out once in support. Even when I reached out to him! Anyway, years later, he’s still desperately chasing cool and I’ve accepted that it’s more something to feel sorry for him about rather than mad.”
Mon, 31
“My best friend and I got into an argument because she didn’t like what I had planned for my 30th — a quiet restaurant dinner with 20 of our closest pals over the weekend away we had tossed around a few months back. I can’t even remember how it got so bad but we didn’t talk for 6 months after. She didn’t even wish me a happy birthday! The worst part is that, even though we can be in the same room now, for the sake of our mutual friends, we just haven’t caught up or even talked about it since — though not for a lack of trying, on my part.”
Tara, 26
“My friend and I always had so much fun together. I was always warned about her unreliable, sometimes even nasty, ways but since we didn’t spend too much time together, I was happy to enjoy her company when we got the chance. It wasn’t until we fell into the same industry that I started seeing the red flags. Where she used to be a helpful confidante, she was suddenly competitive, throwing in sly jabs and backhanded comments wherever she could. Our companies were barely even competitors but she was always trying to put my work down and would even lie about her own.
“I knew it came from a place of insecurity, but it would hurt when would refuse to congratulate me on any accomplishments since I was always happy to see her succeed. It got so bad that she was unbearable to be around. I feel bad because I still think there are a lot of great qualities to her, but she just pushes everyone close to her away with her cattiness.”
Charlotte, 33
“From when we were in Year 6, I counted Phoebe among my closest friends. We had our moments but always came out the other side. Until I started dating someone while she was still single. She didn’t like my girlfriend. She didn’t have a good reason for it — she thought I could do better (but I’m sure she would’ve thought that about anyone). She made me choose between them. I don’t think she expected me to choose my partner over her — but I did. While it hurt at the time, I have no regrets. Also, fuck someone that makes you do that — they are egomaniacal shitbags.”
Stacey, 22
“I had a very close friend in high school who was the kind of person who made you feel special — lengthy D’n’Ms, fun adventures, and unwavering loyalty — until she got bored of you. A never-ending chain of Messenger texts slowly started to peter out, until one day, she was suddenly distant and icy. We now awkwardly bump into each other at parties and sometimes exchange pleasantries, but nothing more. The worst part is that I have no idea what happened or whether I did something wrong.”
Lola, 26
“I found out my High School best friend of five years slept with my ex while he and I were together. I only found out two years after we broke up. I found out while at the tail end of an overseas holiday she and I had gone on. She was travelling for another two months when I was heading home. I took the two-month hiatus to start the breakup clean.”
Julian, 24
“Just before the first lockdown, I broke up with my best friend of four to five years. We had been living together for three of them when I decided to move back home for a bit and after his boyfriend had moved in for a year without my agreement—TLDR: he and I didn’t get along as much as housemates and I think that was a big reason why I drifted. As lockdown hit, I drifted further from him and avoided his messages. Nine months later, we caught up and had a much needed yet uncomfortable conversation and he told me all of the things that bothered him about me (the way I treated other people, the way I ignored him, etc). We’ve since tried to repair that friendship but it’s definitely not the same. We’ve hung out in person about three times and it’s always been with other friends. We use to have inside jokes and speak in our own language, now we’re acquaintances who share a funny meme with each other once in a blue moon.”
Shonda, 34
“I had to ghost an old friend from uni for my own mental sanity. We got along great and definitely had a lot in common (given we were headed into the same industry). However, it wasn’t long until I could start to sense that I was being used and manipulated. He’d often message me photos of his bank account late at night showing that he had no money to buy food or pay for medication. I’d transfer him money every time and would often then see photos pop up on Instagram Stories of him out at bars or pubs with his much cooler, rich-kid uni friends. He’d also call me constantly to detail his suicidal ideation (which, as a friend and someone who has multiple mental health struggles, I was obviously open to helping him with as much as I could). When I’d suggest councillors/psyches he’d then ask for money again (which I would always give). He would ignore my boyfriend every time we’d be hanging out on campus together, and would only respond to him if he said something which he deemed to be ‘stupid’ or ‘incorrect’ in really uncomfortable ways. I also bought both of us tickets to see Lana Del Rey together for his birthday and he cancelled on me an HOUR before I left home. I was honestly so gutted that I didn’t even end up going (and I am a massive LDR STAN). He would message me constantly throughout the day to bitch about people and things and was just an overall negative force. I also don’t think he asked me a single question about myself or how I was going the entire time we were friends. He eventually had to leave the city to get a job elsewhere. When he came back some months later, we organised to catch up. He changed the time we were supposed to meet three times before it happened, and I accepted it all. When I got to the organised bar I bought us both a cocktail while he spoke at length about himself (again, of course) and then after about twenty minutes he said he had to leave because he was going on a date with some random guy who he’d messaged on Tinder that morning. I haven’t made plans to see him since, but he still randomly messages me/likes my tweets here and there nowadays. It was hard to break the friendship because I think we genuinely did vibe (and I hate not having people around), but I think he was just way too caught up in himself to be self-aware enough to realise what he was doing. I was six years younger than him, too, so I think he thought I was probably easy to take advantage of, TBH.”
Hattie, 26
“It’s an all-too-common story of toxic, one-sided friendships. We were practically family, especially during weird transitional periods of our lives like right after high school when we were a bit lost and going through the motions. I always knew she was a bit of a mess, but me, and everyone around her, always shrugged it off as a quirky characteristic. She was always borrowing money but never generous in any way whatsoever, and the consensus with every one of her other friends was that all she cared about was her boy drama and she was never interested in anything going on in my life unless it was about, you guessed it, boys.
“She could also NEVER take any constructive criticism. She had been fired from every job she’d ever had and it was hard to not be honest with her that no, she wasn’t just misunderstood and that she should’ve been fired for consistently showing up hungover or straight-up not showing up to shifts. When I realised that she was not just a mess, but a bad friend was when I found out that she had actively contributed to some pretty nasty rumours about me. Sometimes, you’ve just got to trust your gut. And fuck those people who say you fight and can deal with being treated badly because you’re like ‘sisters’. ”
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