But here, 17 women have kindly shared intimate details of their sex lives and how their sexual relationship with their partner has changed over the course of their relationship, no little white lies necessary.
From a change in living situations and sex drives, to breaking free from conservative thoughts, we find that our sex lives are rarely linear and that there’s always room for change.
Gemma, 21 (she/her) in a 6-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We met in a Christian school when we were 15, so we were taught that sex only came after marriage. My boyfriend and I would talk about what sex would be like once we got married, without having fully questioned why we were following this belief in the first place. We would do other things like oral sex but not penetration, as we were accustomed to think that losing our virginity meant penetration.
What’s your sex life like now?
Leaving high school, we developed our own perspectives, morals and values. We began to question purity culture and why sex had to be a big deal when we were already in a long-term committed relationship. Now, having decided to lose our virginity, we have sex weekly and also like to experiment with locations and positions. We’ve felt no shame in making this choice and have felt more emotionally connected to each other. We’re also more open about our sex life with our friends, as in high school it was such a taboo topic.
Blythe, 28 (she/her) in a 6.5-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We had sex pretty regularly.
What’s your sex life like now?
We haven’t had sex this year, so I’m in a five-month dry spell.
What do you think is behind this change?
We just both have a mutual respect for the fact that sex isn’t a huge part of our relationship and that we enjoy being intimate by spending time together. Working full time and being tired has contributed to this. We’re still affectionate — just in a different way.
Kat, 28 (she/her) in a 7-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
Every time we’d see each other, we’d bang. We were also each other’s first consistent sexual partner, so I think it was that combined with a fresh relationship.
What’s your sex life like now?
Seven years in, we’re definitely not as sexually active as we once were. About three years in, I experienced some deep depression and anxiety, and since then my sex drive has never been the same. I find that if I’m tired and stressed, I’m far less willing to engage. We currently have penetrative sex once a week (stretching to once every two weeks sometimes). But we engage in other forms of non-penetrative intimacy to meet each other’s needs.
What do you think is behind this change?
My change in sex drive, as I mentioned. If I dig deeper, body image is probably part of it on my end. But more often than not, it’s that I’m tired and fatigued and don’t have the energy, and have found that as I get older sex isn’t the main form of fulfilment when it comes to our relationship.
Rebecca, 35 (she/her) in a 19-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We were teenagers, so we waited quite a while to have penetrative sex — we just experimented with other activities. It was frequent and enjoyable.
What’s your sex life like now?
There’s much less sex nearly 20 years later. We communicate about it a lot and despite dry spells, we are still happy and in love.
What do you think is behind this change?
Being tired new parents, struggling with body image post-baby, and a very busy life with the usual stressors means that sex has become less of a priority.
Nicole, 29 (she/her) in a 7-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We had sex every time he slept over, which meant multiple times per week.
What’s your sex life like now?
We have sex maybe once every three months or so? We’re both super happy in the relationship and still very much in love.
What do you think is behind this change?
I’ve never really enjoyed sex that much — I could 100% live without it. At the start, it was exciting just being close to him but it’s never been very important to me and I feel like it’s not worth the cleanup afterward. I prefer foreplay and cuddling. My partner is very respectful of this so when I opened up to him about, it he’s never pressured me. I know he really enjoys it though and we do want to have kids one day so we still do it but it’s rare! I think it’s great but I do sometimes wonder if my partner is truly ok with it.
Grace, 22 (she/her) in a 2-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We had sex three to four times a week — it was ‘rip off your clothes’ passionate, with some consensual roughness.
What’s your sex life like now?
We have sex one to two times a month now. It’s a lot slower and controlled, with gentle penetration.
What do you think is behind this change?
I have always experienced pain with sex and in the early days knew no different and thought it was normal to flare and bloat for days after but after being diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis, I could understand why it was a flammable experience. Post surgery, we couldn’t have sex for three months and we’ve slowly built up from there with much more gentle sex.
D, 25 (she/her) in a 3-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We had sex at least five or six times a week!
What’s your sex life like now?
We have sex probably once a week? Once every couple of weeks?
What do you think is behind this change?
Moving in together and growing comfortable together, we both feel settled and no longer feel a sense of urgency if that makes sense? We’re still obsessed with each other, just no longer driven by sex and would rather cuddle or make out.
Leah, 23 (she/her) in a 4-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?Mindblowing in the beginning, but then I got a bit bored at the two or three-year mark.
What’s your sex life like now?
I told him that things were feeling a bit routine so he made an active effort to bring in the passion and spontaneity. It is now even better than when we started because of the years of practice. He knows exactly what I need!
What do you think is behind this change?
Communication and a willingness to try new things and change up our routines. And also love; we’re also just obsessed with each other which helps because it means we have a deep investment in the other person’s pleasure.
Evie, 23 (she/her) in a 3-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
It was full of desire — oozing with lust, love and joy — and a desperate need to delve deep into each other’s skin and beyond. It was also messy, silly and new, like learning a new dance.
What’s your sex life like now?
Quick. Sometimes it feels like a job. A must, rather than a need. There is passion and desire and fire but it’s more quiet, less intense. Frankly, half the time I’d take a cuddle over sex. Being close and in the warmth of their body is enough. I feel at home.
What do you think is behind this change?
I know him. He is mine, I don’t need to ‘prove myself’ or ‘fight’ for his time. Being in his company is enough to make me feel loved.
Rae, 26 (she/her) in a 2-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
Awkward and totally didn’t exist because of our religious trauma upbringings (and navigating painful penetration because of endometriosis).
What’s your sex life like now?
Super hot! It’s the actual best. We mix it up and redefine what it means to us. Practice makes perfect.
What do you think is behind this change?
Expanding our worldviews and our circle of friends. Leaving a toxic community. Talking openly about it all. Navigating chronic illness. Literally everything has changed since the start! Putting the effort in to communicate super clearly about sex and learn what we are into, and finding lots of amazing resources (hello Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Life. Changer.)
Lili, 39 (she/her) in a 10-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
It was frequent, spicy and emotional. We’d tear each other’s clothes off and receive noise complaints from the neighbours.
What’s your sex life like now?
It’s now fun, hot and creative. It’s less frequent but it’s really quality.
What do you think is behind this change?
Ageing and feeling safer with each other.
Alice, 22 (she/her) in a 3.5-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
My sex life at the beginning of my relationship was very active and consistent. We were both still figuring things out as we were each other’s first time, so there were definitely issues with communication (I struggled to voice what I wanted so my partner and I spent a lot of time on this). But overall it was active, fun and very exciting and exhilarating.
What’s your sex life like now?
It has definitely plateaued but not in a bad way — just because we spend a lot more chilled-out time together and are more comfortable with one another. Our communication has improved so much and I feel much more comfortable voicing my wants and needs, which is great. We have explored different kinks and scenarios a lot more and are generally in a great place and balance each other’s sex drive out. It’s comfortable but also still exciting.
Lucinda, 23 (she/her) in a 2.5-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
It was intense. Every time we saw each other we would have sex — we were very infatuated and addicted to each other.
What’s your sex life like now?
It’s not as frequent, and we have also had our first baby who is three and a half months old, so that has changed our energy levels. So we have sex once a week or once every couple of weeks.
What do you think is behind this change?
In long-term relationships, sometimes you feel like sex is something you ‘should’ do and check off, therefore you begin to see it as not as exciting.
Krissy, 24 (she/her) in a 5.5-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
It was absolute fire. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and were trying new things all the time, from positions to toys.
What’s your sex life like now?
Five years in and we probably have sex maybe once every two to three weeks. It’s more slow and loving rather than sexy and passionate. I miss what we had though and I often wonder if this is normal.
What do you think is behind this change?
Life gets busy; we live together now so we see each other all the time and the anticipation of making plans to see each other isn’t there. I know the rough order of what will happen, so it’s not as spontaneous.
Less, 27 (she/her) in an 11-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
We were teenagers in high school, so I would say exploratory but timid.
What’s your sex life like now?
Comfortable and routine.
What do you think is behind this change?
Age, evolving maturity levels and general life stressors and fatigue which didn’t affect us as carefree teenagers and young 20-somethings.
Mina, 28 (she/her) in a 3-year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
Fun (but nervy at the start — as with any fresh encounter), exciting and explorative.
What’s your sex life like now?
Better than ever. It feels more intimate because we’re so close (we live together now), more relaxed (less serious, way past the awkward dating phase), and almost more meaningful when we do because, let’s face it, after a big day of work, one often simply wants to actually watch Netflix and sleep.
What do you think is behind this change?
Being more comfortable and confident with each other has definitely played a huge role, as well as both knowing ourselves better. Also generally having a better understanding of what our individual wants and needs are as we mature and how to clearly communicate them.
Sophie, 23 (she/her) in a 3.5 year relationship
What was your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship?
Very frequent and experimental.
What’s your sex life like now?
Less frequent, but more passionate.
What do you think is behind this change?
Comfort with each other, difference is sex drives, busier schedules and less time to do nothing.
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