The unequal gendered distribution of housework continues to be a topic of discourse. But in relationships where women take on more than their share, there is more conflict, less satisfaction and even less sex.
Here, 11 Refinery29 readers in heterosexual relationships write in and tell us how they split up the household duties with their male partner — and the mental load that comes with it.
“We are probably about 65/35 with him doing more than I do. I make up for this shortfall in other ways, like remembering and buying gifts for birthdays, things needed around the house, and organising trips away or time off. We play to each other’s strengths.”
Do you think this is fair?
“It probably doesn’t look fair on the outside but it works for us. We sort of fell into these roles but our communication is incredible so when I need to step up, he lets me know.
I can provide more financially because I earn more, and my brain is more wired to the tasks I am assigned. I could definitely do more around the house, but I’d rather pay someone to clean and pick up my slack.”
“We’ve tried to split (also with our housemate) using apps and calendar invites, but nothing seems to stick. I tend to carry the mental load and remind everyone to put out bins, unload the dishwasher, etc. If we cook, we both help clean up. We all go to the supermarket and they pay the bills. Everyone is in charge of their own washing.”
Do you think this is fair?
“Definitely not fair. He will do tasks once I ‘nag’ him enough or it gets bad. But it’s not fair for me to have to remind everyone constantly. He has been better about it lately (I’ve come home from work and the bins are out without reminding! Win!). I would love some more initiative though, especially on days I get home from work later.”
“As much as I hate to say it, he handles most of the ‘outdoor’ chores and I handle most of the ‘inside’ stuff. I like to do some of the gardening but he handles the mowing, bins and maintenance. I typically do most of the laundry and a good amount of the cooking, but he also cooks and takes care of doing the floors as I hate it. I also do the grocery shopping but this is something I love doing.”
Do you think this is fair?
“Yes, mostly. Sometimes I feel like I bear the mental burden more but he’s pretty good most of the time.”
“He cooks and takes care of the grocery shopping. I do the dishes and clean the house. We split the washing.”
How did you organise this with your partner?
“When we moved in together, it slowly happened naturally. After a few months, we had a conversation about it and we’ve stuck to it for over a year now. It makes sense for us because he likes to cook and LOVES grocery shopping and I absolutely despise both of those tasks. I’m not a huge fan of cleaning but I like to keep a tidy home and working from home makes keeping up the cleaning easier. I’ll fit the cleaning into my days so it doesn’t feel like one big chore. We’re not super rigid either, if he’s not up for cooking one night I’ll take on the task and he contributes to the cleaning by not being a slob. It’s working!”
“My partner actually does more day-to-day chores than me but I’m typically responsible for admin and deep cleaning. He will take out the bins, cook dinners, do laundry, clean up after the dog among other tasks — it’s a lot more than I do throughout the week.
Then I take on things like meal planning, paying bills, ordering joint online shopping (like pet food), making appointments and leading the charge on Sunday resets/deep cleans/organisation projects and will delegate tasks as necessary. That being said, we do lean on each other a lot so even though he may be the one putting the laundry load on and doing most of the hanging, I will usually join him outside to finish it off. And then he will do things like review my meal plans or help spitball ideas as I do it.”
Do you think this is fair?
“I do think it’s fair and works really well for us. Very occasionally it can cause frustration both ways as it’s hard to compare apples and oranges since our tasks vary. Things like “I ALWAYS do XYZ” gets thrown around by both of us at times.”
“I’m responsible for the bathroom, and we split cooking, dishes, laundry and vacuuming and overall house cleaning.”
How did you organise this with your partner?
We started off trying to delegate tasks in an exact 50/50 split, but after a while, we realised that sometimes this just isn’t realistic. For example, I like cooking proper (kind of fancy) meals and find it relaxing, but he’s much better at making quick and easy food when we are both tired and lazy.
At some point, we let go of the intense structure and started to go off a needs basis. We are like this with finances too because we are both low-income earners and often one of us helps out while the other person has more assignments and can’t work as much. We maintain communication by just asking if the other person can do something rather than waiting for it to happen. I feel like this works for us!”
“My partner is a really good cook and I don’t trust him with my clothes and he’s weird about chemicals — so our split is that he does anything in the kitchen, and I do the other rooms.”
How did you organise this with your partner?
“We communicated this when we moved in together and we keep the communication streams open if there needs to be a change. I do take on the mental load of delegating and confirming tasks though which does get frustrating and is something we’re always trying to work on.”
Do you think this is fair?
“It’s not a totally equitable split as I will take on cooking duties if he is busy or unwell but if I am busy or unwell the other household chores will stack up and I will do them when I have time. Cooking is generally the most time-consuming chore though (as it’s every night) so I’m willing to deal with it as I think it all works out in the wash.”
“It’s pretty 50/50. We share the cooking and the grocery shopping so we each cook two nights a week and both pickup groceries as needed. With cleaning and housework, we have certain tasks we each seem to do more like he cleans the bathroom every week, I almost never do it but I vacuum most weeks and am always the one to change the sheets.”
How did you organise this with your partner?
“We never really had a conversation about it. At one point we decided on the two meals each per week thing and agreed that whoever cooked would also clean (that way you’re responsible for the whole thing and you just take care of that night completely). That specific part was a system I always had in sharehouses so I suggested it and we’ve just stuck with it. Everything else has just evolved. We’re both quite clean and conscious people so if I’ve noticed he’s cleaned the bathroom and done the laundry I’ll try and make a point of doing a bit more and vice versa.”
“We established when we moved in together who would do what in the household to make sure it was even. We basically figured out if we had preferences over certain jobs and made sure it was evenly delegated. For instance, he hates folding clothes so he puts out the washing and I put it away. We alternate cooking dinner, and when one person cooks, the other cleans the dishes. Rubbish is his responsibility, I do recycling.
There are a few rules, like whoever leaves the bed first has to make the bed (usually him lol). Other things like grocery shopping are kinda delegated on a week-to-week basis as we both work for ourselves it’s easy for one of us to duck out and get groceries if need be.”
Do you think this is fair?
“I think it’s fair. It’s important to me that it’s an equal ratio to each other and that the mental load (e.g. figuring out what to make for dinner) is shared, not just the physical. I do find that I am generally the more tidy so I’ll usually have to remind him to pick things up, or be more pedantic in general about house organisation.”
“I do most of the other stuff like vacuuming, mopping, general cleaning but he does the dishes. I refuse to do the dishes. We both share the clothes washing responsibility though.”
How did you organise this with your partner?
“When we first moved out of home, we discussed him doing the dishes considering he doesn’t hate it as much as I do. We agreed that I’d do the cooking, shopping and other cleaning. If I’m at work I’ll usually ask him to do some washing or hang it out with me. I tend to use cleaning to procrastinate, so cleaning the house doesn’t bother me too much because it means I don’t have to do my assignments.”
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
How Divvying Up The Chores Can Lead To Better Sex