“Children are a crushing responsibility.” Maggie Gyllenhaal’s film The Lost Daughter, an adaptation of the Elena Ferrante novel of the same name, highlighted an uncomfortable truth about motherhood: that it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Protagonist Leda (played by Olivia Colman and Jessie Buckley) struggles with the role to the point where she comes to resent her children. It makes viewers confront the preconception that mothers are always perfect, loving and doting – a reliable safety net.
That film was released in late December 2021 and set a precedent for narratives on screen, in literature and music throughout 2022. Suddenly, fraught mother-child relationships – in particular mother-daughter relationships – were everywhere. Wednesday Addams’ cold relationship with her mother, Morticia, in Netflix’s Wednesday. The Florence Pugh-starring The Wonder, where a mother is willing to sacrifice her daughter on the altar of religion. Pedro Almodóvar’s Parallel Mothers, which looked at reluctant and absent mothers and asked the question: who is a ‘real’ mother?
Heroines are often presented as mini-mes of their loving, caring mothers who are in turn idolised and put on a pedestal (save for the wicked, non-bloodline stepmothers).
Released in May, A24’s Everything Everywhere All At Once delved into this idea particularly potently. The sci-fi adventure shone a light on the impact of intergenerational trauma, beginning when Michelle Yeoh’s Evelyn Wang elopes with her husband. Later, she passes her parents’ disappointment down to her own daughter, who she fails to connect with. Breaking this cycle turns out to be the crux of the film. In Pixar’s Turning Red, a 13-year-old girl spontaneously turns into a giant red panda thanks to a curse passed down by the women of her family. The panda is a metaphor for generational trauma conveyed by a stern, overachieving mother.
In both films the conflict is resolved in a heartwarming way but these characterisations are in stark contrast to many beloved Disney films, whose heroines are often presented as mini-mes of their loving, caring mothers who are in turn idolised and put on a pedestal (save for the wicked, non-bloodline stepmothers).
As women are portrayed in increasingly three-dimensional and realistic ways, hopefully there will be less of a need to write mothers as martyrs, or people whose selfhood has been crushed as a result of giving birth.
Why is the devoted, heroic mother such a long-held trope and why is it subversive to show the opposite? “I believe it is the outcome of grouping mothers into a one-dimensional category, usually centring around self-sacrifice,” says Dr Jasmina Frzina, counselling psychologist and co-director at Altogether Human. “To step away from this perspective would mean to challenge the dominant programming. And often this is hard work. It is much easier – not better – to stick to the status quo, rinse and repeat.”
The title of former child star Jennette McCurdy’s 2022 memoir, I’m Glad My Mom Died, raised eyebrows for this very reason (as did its cover, which shows McCurdy clutching a pink urn brimming with confetti). McCurdy writes humorously and with self-awareness about her very complex feelings about her mum’s passing, while detailing the devastating abuse she received from her narcissistic parent. It proved healing for readers who’ve been through similarly abusive parental situations. “When I read Jennette McCurdy’s memoir title, I breathed a sigh of relief,” said writer Flora Baker.
But why are we seeing these depictions of motherhood now, and what does it say about our collective psyche? “Many of us were sold a fairy tale when we were growing up and these narratives influence our thinking, hopes and expectations,” says psychologist and Altogether Human co-director Dr Gemma Parker. “But the ways in which women and mothers are portrayed seem to have become more complex and realistic over time. It is possible that with more women working in the arts, these portrayals are being reclaimed – perhaps women are more confident and motivated to create roles and families that are more complex, gritty and realistic. It also makes the characters more relatable and ultimately more enjoyable to watch or read.”
Portrayals of atypical mother-child relationships came up in the music world, too. In her video for “Billions”, singer Caroline Polachek plays a sensual maternal figure who gives a group of children wine to drink. Speaking to Dazed about the video, Polachek said she wanted to play with “one of the last remaining taboos that we have in society, which is the bad mother. Women are expected to be caregiving and responsible. And we expect this from women on a very, very deep level … the bad mother figure is something that is still very repellent.” While men are allowed to possess dark and deviant sides, she said – and are sometimes even revered for it, as in the ‘bad boy’ trope – the same isn’t true for women.
As women are portrayed in increasingly three-dimensional and realistic ways, hopefully there will be less of a need to write mothers as martyrs, or people whose selfhood has been crushed as a result of giving birth. Céline Sciamma’s 2021 film Petite Maman begins to dismantle that idea. When 8-year-old Nelly (Joséphine Sanz) meets her mother at the same age, she finds out that she is not a superhero but in fact her double. “Culture seems more willing to embrace the complexities involved in being a mother today, navigating between ‘historical’ and ‘current’ parenting expectations,” says Dr Frzina.
Dr Parker notes that pop cultural characterisations can have a real impact on people’s understanding of their own relationships. “We are often talking in the therapy room about the complexity of feelings, and perhaps these have been presented in quite dichotomous ways in films and TV until more recently. Often people coming to therapy have limited their narrative of another person to a very narrow view, and part of our job can be to help people to see all of the other things that relationship or that person is and can be.”
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
I Can’t Stand My Mum Anymore. What Should I Do?