“Learning how to protect your peace is truly the best thing you can do for yourself this year,” says Hattie Macandrews, iPEC-certified professional confidence and mindset coach. “It’s giving yourself the time to focus on what truly makes you happy, and not get lost in the chaos of modern life. This might look like creating and enforcing boundaries, blocking out time in your diary for ‘me time’ or removing yourself from relationships/friendships/situations that feel draining or exhausting.
“These acts of self-love and preservation will enhance your life immeasurably, and you’ll feel a slow but steady increase in happiness as a result. Once you’re really able to adopt this way of thinking, it becomes second nature and you’re left with that warm, fuzzy sense of peace.
“However, this is not to be confused with being flaky, selfish or guarded. Saying no in advance is different to bailing last minute. This is not an excuse to behave badly as a partner, be unreliable as a friend or inconsistent with people in your life under the guise of ‘protecting your peace’.”
Refinery29 spoke to several women about what they’re doing this year to protect their peace…
Why now in 2023?
“It’s something I’d considered for a long time as I saw how drinking was holding me back in many areas of my life – it stunted my fitness growth, limited how deep I could go spiritually and stopped me truly connecting with people. I’ve worked in music and events for six years, where drinking and club culture is pretty much part of the job, so for a long time I found it difficult to abandon my drinking habits, instead swallowing my sober curious feelings down with another G&T. It wasn’t that I was a huge partier – maybe drinking once or twice a month – the problem was I was very much all or nothing. I could never pull myself away for an earlyish night and was always among the small group of people left at the after-party when the sun comes up.
It wasn’t until I left my job in music late last year to pursue freelancing in other sectors that I began to take the idea of going sober more seriously. I’m now more in control of the projects I work on, my schedule and people I surround myself with, therefore more capable of eliminating alcohol from my life. So, using Dry Jan as a bit of a kickstart, I decided 2023 was the year.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“New Year’s Eve. Before the night I’d had a goal to drink ‘mindfully’ and see if ‘moderation’ is something I could adopt. My thoughts being: this would allow me to enjoy the benefits of alcohol i.e. loosening up, while not experiencing the most colossal hangover of all time and subsequently going through yet another existential crisis. Well, this failed to happen. I found myself at 4am on the hunt for more prosecco, regardless of the fact my Uber was arriving in 10 minutes. I had a moment where I saw myself frantically pouring another glass while my friend sat next to me, watching our driver approach us on the Uber app. I just thought to myself, ‘What am I doing? What is the point in this?’ I realised moderation doesn’t work for me, and it’s time to give up the booze.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve noticed such a huge difference already, having had the most wholesome and peaceful January without alcohol. When you take away the time spent being hungover (which ended up being two to three days for me) and the drinking itself, you’re left with so much spare time. I’ve used this time to really tap into what brings me joy: ecstatic dance classes, the gym, walks in nature, pottering around a new area with a coffee, exhibitions, colouring, cooking. I have even taken up dog sitting. My nervous system has settled, I feel clearer, more in control, spiritually connected and very much looking forward to continuing this journey.”
Claudia, 27
Why now in 2023?
“I felt really stuck by the end of last year. It felt like my therapist and I were having the same convos over and over again about my depression and anxiety. Nothing was changing. So I decided it was time to explore some new avenues. I found a new therapist who’s helping me learn specific tools for moving past my trauma and it’s already been immensely helpful. I’m also joining a support group for people with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which I’m hoping will help me with my feelings of deep loneliness. I’m going to try some other healing modalities like EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) and hypnotherapy, too.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“At the end of last year a friend mentioned she was getting engaged soon and for some reason, although I am of course overjoyed for her, it triggered my abandonment trauma. I felt like everyone was moving forward with their lives and I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt deeply lonely and incredibly frustrated that I wasn’t where I want to be yet.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I want to feel at peace with myself and where I’m at in my life. I definitely feel a shift already because of the things I’ve been doing in the last few weeks.”
Sara, 33
Why now in 2023?
“I turned the big 3-0 last year and realised that I have to take care of myself more. I’m getting older and I have learned to be less of a people-pleaser. That means I now have better boundaries in terms of realising when I’m overextending myself, both at work and in my personal relationships. ‘Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’ is one of my favourite aphorisms; the people who love me won’t be annoyed if I’m taking digital space for myself and work can always wait.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“Fashion week, for sure. It’s an intense time in the calendar for me where I often forget to do the basics like eat and sleep. So once I’m done with shows for the day, it’s time to switch off and focus on myself. It’s worked wonders in terms of helping me manage my stress and anxiety, and it’s also led to me writing better copy.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve noticed a tremendous difference already. I feel like I’m more equipped to cope and have realised that I can take a break and get back to everything/everyone once I’m ready. The walls aren’t going to cave in if I don’t reply to a message within the hour.”
Lakeisha, 30
Why now in 2023?
“I joke with my friends a lot that my word of the year for 2023 is ‘boundaries’ but it really is. Over the last few months of 2022, it felt like I had less and less control over my boundaries, and so I think this has just been a response to that.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I think it’s really important to have a community, especially doing a PhD, but I realised in the fall of last year that there were a lot of times when people around me felt entitled to my time without recognising that I’m not always available. The moment it really hit was when I first said no to someone for something and got chastised for it. I recently also went through a breakup and getting back out there has made me realise how I give too much leeway to the person I am involved with, so I became much more aware about my boundaries (or lack thereof).”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve noticed a bit of a difference already, as I’ve tried to be really aware of my time and my priorities, but it’s also been much more difficult than I expected. I’m hoping for just more peace in my life and for it to not feel as hectic and out of control as it has been recently.”
Sarah, 27
Why now in 2023?
“Oh god. Where to start. My fiancé and I spent the whole of last year navigating a situation with his parents that left us so emotionally exhausted and distraught that he had no choice but to cut them off. It all started when he decided to move in with me and it became apparent that they could not cope with him moving on from their hometown and sharing a life with someone else who was not them. This manifested in vile, defaming emails and text messages to him (in secret) about me, my family, my home and our relationship. Eventually, after they tried numerous ways to create problems for us (threatening to take him to court, calling his friends and their parents to tell them how awful I was, attempting to get me to sign a legal document with them to prove my trustworthiness), my fiancé had to enlist a solicitor to make sure he understood his legal rights and was finally able to challenge many of their empty threats and accusations. We spent nearly the whole of 2022 trying to find solutions to a problem that was not ours. We got engaged at the end of the year and decided that we were not going to waste another year of our lives being made to feel the same way.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“Getting engaged was obviously a huge moment that solidified this decision for us both but I’d already come to my decision of taking my determined stance to be happy. I can’t believe that this is really my answer but it is: Taylor Swift released Midnights and obviously I had that whole masterpiece of an album on repeat straightaway. But more than any other song, I couldn’t stop listening to ‘Karma’ (nearly four months on, it’s still number one on my On Repeat playlist on Spotify).
I suddenly had this realisation that there was absolutely nothing in my power or control that I’d ever be able to do to stop the way his parents felt about me or decided to act towards us. The only thing I could do was put it aside, support my boyfriend, accept that it was what it was and enjoy my life with my boyfriend (now fiancé!) and the breeze in my hair on the weekend.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“It’s so hard to put into words but it’s quite literally a sigh of relief. Things are now said or sent and I just react with an audible sigh. I can’t change them, and I can’t change what they’ve done. It’s sad. I’d hate to be someone who spends so much time and energy being so miserable and trying to make others miserable too. I’m no longer taking things personally, no longer working from home so I can cry between meetings and no longer cancelling plans to hide from a world I was convinced hated me, just because two people decided to.”
Taylor*, 28
*Name has been changed
Why now in 2023?
“I want to be in charge of my health this year after going through burnout in previous years. I’m going to put a stop to it in 2023, and going forward I hope to have years where I still kill it in my career but I’m thriving in other aspects of my life.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“Yes, going through burnout. My skin broke out in acne, I couldn’t sleep, I lost an extreme amount of weight and my hair became thinner. This has now made me take my health very seriously.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve already noticed a difference! I’m not as irritable and my sleep has improved drastically, and in turn I have far more energy and I’m just way more productive overall. Not only is it better for my health but for my professional life too.”
Hafsa, 31
Why now in 2023?
“Having worked in the social justice and advocacy world, the pressure to stay plugged in and ‘in the know’ has benefited my awareness of issues but also led to chronic and severe burnout. When thinking about things I want to do differently, this new year presents more opportunity for me to know how I can cultivate new habits.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“After the US midterm elections in 2022, I thought about health issues that I dealt with throughout the year. Anxiety, irritability, anger, frustration and a lack of boundaries over my time and how I spent it really had me thinking of setting a new vision for myself and to cultivate more relationships in my life to better balance me out.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I have definitely seen the difference in the ways that I respond to chronic stress and I hope to feel accomplished after building a community and network of support around myself and being there for others.”
Navjot, 26
Why now in 2023?
“A friend pointed out to me that I am a people-pleaser but I was in denial. But in December 2022 I had a realisation that my friend was right.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“My mom said I should buy my usual size dress when we were shopping. When I went to the changing room I came to realise I had to buy a different size as that particular brand has a different size chart but I couldn’t tell her that as I thought she would be upset and so I bought the dress in the wrong size.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I hope to be me and not the person who others can like at the cost of her own happiness. I have noticed it’s very difficult to set boundaries because not only you but people around you are habitual to the people-pleaser you were.”
Anushree, 21
Why now in 2023?
“After the pandemic settled, everyone was thrilled to get back out there, myself included. We all travelled more, saw more friends, threw more parties, etc. I’m a naturally outgoing and extroverted person so it was exciting to do all of these things again. However, I realised that doing too much of this isn’t good for me. 2022 was the year of getting back out into the world and 2023 is about coming back to myself.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“No, there wasn’t any single moment that made me decide to make a change. I think it was more of a growing sense of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed over time. I slowly realised that I was preventing myself from reaching goals that are important to me.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“Since living a more sober curious lifestyle in January, I already feel more accomplished and aligned with my goals and everyday wellness. I hope to continue to feel more energised, healthy and alive as the year goes on. I think it will be fun to find new and creative ways to fill my time while still making space for the people and social plans I care about most. It’s all about finding a healthy balance.”
Chloe, 27
Why now in 2023?
“With any new year it’s a good time to get rid of old habits and cycles and look forward to getting to where I want to be in that part of my life.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I realised at the end of 2022 going into 2023 that I don’t want to be in these passionate, short-lived, six-month cycles of relationships with the straight men I’ve dated monogamously. Ultimately, they end with hurt feelings and the same conversations with friends to live our Sex In The City dreams. I want to do the latter without all the complications along the way – wasted times and sold dreams.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I hope to continue feeling liberated and enjoying my own time. But I also want to make the right choices romantically, going forward.”
Jill, 24
Now I only have my e-reader on my bedside table and keep my phone plugged in in the living room. So if I can’t fall asleep, I have to read, which has helped me read nine books this month! I’m also able to fall asleep after consuming content I really enjoy, rather than whatever pops up on Instagram.
To take my new practice a step further, I’ve also activated the Personal Focus mode on my iPhone. So from 10pm-9am, I don’t get any notifications from email, social media or texts outside of a select group of people. It’s so peaceful to wake up, walk my dog, have breakfast and start the day without being immediately bombarded by texts, emails, etc.”
Why now in 2023?
“I work from home with my desk set up in the living space so it’s really easy for my work life to blend into my personal life. As I’ve continued in my career, it’s become more and more important for me to set up boundaries, protect my peace and have a really clear separation between work and play.
I also have a history of really terrible sleep. It takes me a long time to fall asleep and I wake up often in the night. So I wanted to try and improve that by not having my phone in the bedroom.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I definitely used the new year as a good time to sit down and reevaluate some areas of my life – work, sleep, health, etc. Keeping my phone outside the bedroom and turning on Personal Focus was part of my New Year’s Resolutions.”
What do you hope to feel/have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve definitely noticed that it’s a lot easier for me to fall asleep and I have been able to read a lot more since I only have my e-book on my bedside table and not my phone. I finished nine books in January, which is more than half of what I read all last year.
I also feel a bit less anxious. I feel more at peace as I’m putting my head on the pillow. And I don’t wake up and immediately look through emails, already stressing about the work I have to do that day. It’s really nice to reclaim those times.”
Riana, 30
Why now in 2023?
“The past few years during the pandemic forced me to be alone more and reflect. To sit with myself and really get comfortable with who I am, unapologetically. I wish I can say it went beautifully but, truth is, this reflection made me realise how hard I can be on myself and how that has translated into other parts of my life that were otherwise so good. This year, I refuse to let that happen. I’m going to control my self-criticisms and stop being my own worst enemy.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“Not quite. More of an ongoing reflection.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’ve definitely noticed a difference. I feel calmer – more satisfied with just being. I no longer feel guilty for doing, or not doing, things and have even noticed a positive impact on my relationships. When I’m at peace, I’m more able to really enjoy and empathise with those around me.”
Sierra, 25
Why now in 2023?
“I’m still navigating early parenthood (my daughter is 15 months) and my first book, Stop Waiting for Perfect, comes out later this year, plus I’m working on the proposal for book two on top of a full-time day job. My time is more limited now than ever before and the ‘free’ time I do have when I’m not writing or editing, I want to spend pouring into myself, my family and my friends.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I’ve encountered burnout before and this time I wanted to get ahead of it. I think last year I hit a breaking point trying to balance everything on my plate and I committed to doing things differently in 2023.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’m starting by reserving my Sundays for church and family, with special exceptions, of course. But it’s important for me to have time to recharge with nothing on the calendar or any other commitments because I give so much of myself to others throughout the week. I hope this will help me feel less burnout and more rejuvenated, especially as momentum picks up around the book later this year.”
L’Oreal, 35
I’m protecting my peace and safety by cutting off reply guys if I don’t want to talk to them, clearly setting boundaries and telling men to go away if I’m uncomfortable, and no longer putting fears about politeness over my own safety.”
Why now in 2023?
“In 2023, women’s safety continues to be overlooked. In a recent Channel 4 investigation, a woman showed the way men can weaponise niceness to take advantage.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I realised this because I was volunteering recently and saw this older man leering at a young teenager, making her uncomfortable. It seemed like she was bound and trapped by misogynistic politeness rules and felt unable to stand up for herself. I also had a number of experiences this year where I felt trapped into speaking to/putting up with leering men because I didn’t want to seem rude. Once I started setting more boundaries, I was struck by how liberating it felt. With the culture around women’s safety and alpha males being more toxic than ever, I’m not going to compromise my comfort anymore to protect fragile male egos.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“Since setting more boundaries and being more abrupt, I have felt more confident and at peace. It seems silly but I never realised how freeing it could be telling someone to fuck off. Any minor discomfort at the time is worth it because of the benefits.”
Charlotte, 25
Why now in 2023?
“2022 was gnarly. I went into the year in a long-term relationship, about to move in with my partner, but after spending three months in countries I’d never been to, I realised I was in a place where I really needed to be on my own and make decisions where I wouldn’t affect anybody else. Although the relationship was extremely loving and supportive, being on my own made me realise I was making decisions based on what I thought my partner needed, not what I truly wanted in my heart of hearts.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“The breakup and the ensuing conversations I had with my angel of a therapist.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I hope to feel confidence and pride in myself. I hope to feel in control of my finances. I hope to feel that my mom can depend on me more and that she feels loved by me. And I just hope to feel content at having tried something rather than not having done it in the first place because I wasn’t the best at it.”
Camila, 26
Why now in 2023?
“Last year I definitely fell into old habits of being a people-pleaser and I’ve learned to set boundaries to protect myself and to say no to things that don’t match who I am or my values.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“After having therapy and reviewing my previous behaviour and how I’d treat myself and accept certain situations, I learned that sometimes I’ve given time and attention to the wrong people. Now I’ve learned to protect my energy and cut ties with people who are no longer right for me. It’s normal to outgrow relationships.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I’m definitely more in tune with my emotion and feel more aware of where I want to be and what my goals look like. I’ve created a vision board and I’ve kickstarted this year feeling less overwhelmed. I’m more inspired creatively and really enjoying how 2023 is going as I’ve taken my power back and focused my energy all on me.”
Jo, 30
Why now in 2023?
“If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we have to live life doing what we love.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“Busy times reminded me that I have to take care of me first or else nothing else will get done.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I feel more in control and relaxed. I at least know that at one point in my day I’m doing something that makes me happy.”
Nneka, 26
I also want to work on creating better boundaries with the people around me. As a perpetual people-pleaser, I’ve tiptoed around people’s feelings my entire life, so I want to protect my peace by forcing myself to be okay with making other people uncomfortable. Let people know when they’ve upset me or that I can’t always be available for them.
I’m also trying to inject gratitude into every moment. Realising that I haven’t heard all my favourite songs in the world yet, or I haven’t met all the people I’ll love in my life. Lastly, doing more yoga. Exercise is just a good stress-reliever and a great reminder of how you can overcome your mental/physical limitations. TLDR: Less phone, less people-pleasing, more gratitude, more yoga.”
Why now in 2023?
“This is kind of a strange answer but I got into astrology in the last two years and I’ve heard a lot about this concept of a Saturn return. Your Saturn return occurs when you’re 27-30 and it’s a very challenging period of time. It’s how the universe will prepare you for adulthood, so all the lessons from your adolescence and 20s will come up and you’ll be forced to confront them. Apparently it’s an especially difficult time for Capricorns (which I am) so being the anxious person I am, I wanted to prepare for it by learning about how to put down healthy boundaries so Saturn won’t be too harsh with me. I met with a professional astrologer (don’t laugh) and she reassured me that mine would be fine. I do think it’s weirdly romantic that the universe gives you a trial right before you hit your 30s – it feels like a hero’s journey.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“There are so many moments that have collided or have had a domino effect on me. Maybe watching an important friendship slowly wither away (no one properly prepares you for the pain that is a female friendship breakup) and realising that I’ve never set good boundaries in the first place?”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I hope to feel liberated. I hope to embrace my cringe with open arms. I used to worry about the mortifying ordeal of being known (incredible line from an incredible article about goats) but I hope to feel okay with being known. And I hope to feel okay even when I realise no one really cares. I’ve noticed a difference actually! I feel a lot more gratitude for small things, like when the clouds look especially fluffy or when a particular song hits better on rainy days. Relationships-wise, I think protecting my peace is helping me go all in on the people I feel good about so I spend less time fixating on what went wrong with other people.”
Nat, 27
Why now in 2023?
“I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years and I’ve noticed that I rely really heavily on outside validation to justify all my choices. As long as people are suitably impressed that I wrote an article for a certain magazine, or my friends get on with my partner, or my more fashionable loved ones admire my clothes, I feel okay. The second someone expresses (real or imagined) disapproval for one of my choices, I spiral. That’s just not how I want to live my life moving forward.”
Was there a specific moment that spurred on the decision?
“I’ve suffered with quite bad anxiety since mid-2021 and I’m trying to unpick triggers so that I can respond differently. Some of my recent interactions with friends and family made me feel so anxious that I felt completely blocked in my decision-making and unable to trust that I could cope with the consequences of my own decisions (e.g. letting go of one of my freelance clients). This was a really scary place to be so I’m trying to make my own decisions, take responsibility for them and take external advice with a pinch of salt.”
Have you already noticed a difference?
“I feel a lot more trust that things will unfold as they may, and that I’m only responsible for my own choices. With that in mind, I’ve also finally learned that I am the only one who can make those choices for myself in the first place, which is actually so freeing. My approval is the only approval I need.”
Iris, 28
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