Time and introspection play a valuable role in helping us move on and heal from a decimated relationship. But knowing this doesn’t make it any easier when we’re going through a breakup.
What can help (as well as an enraged cabal of supportive friends) are the experiences of other people, which have always served as a jumping-off point for our own epiphanies, realisations and healing. We learn so much – about life, love, ourselves – when a relationship ends. And it is comforting to think, There are other people who went through what I’m going through, and they are okay.
Refinery29 spoke to 11 women about the last breakup they had before they met their current partner, what it taught them and what came next.
About two years. We were together for a little under a year.
When did you realise that things were ending?
What did the breakup teach you?
It taught me that even though I tried so hard to be relaxed about things, I do have non-negotiables in my relationships. A big one being I cannot be with someone who stays at home with their parents and relies on them financially and has no plans of moving out and pursuing a career to sustain their own life at 25+ years old. That breakup also taught me not to delay the cutting of ties and to trust my instincts. To listen to my wants and needs and move with those in mind first before overthinking how it might affect the other person.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Advice that I would give to us twentysomethings navigating this tricky dating pool, especially those of us who have not had representation of what healthy relationships look like, is to first trust yourself. Feelings may not always be fact but the anxiety your body feels is very telling. Second, find hobbies and dedicate time to finding new things to love about life. The biggest advice that I can give is to understand that just because things don’t work out does not mean that it is a failed relationship. Things sometimes just do not work out and that’s okay. Companionship and partnership will find you and embrace you in the ways you need most.
Alexis, 23
When did you realise that things were ending?
I was in LA for two months during our relationship and he would purposely interact with women on Twitter he had been sexually involved with in the past to try and piss me off (basically dangling it in my face). I remember sitting under the beautiful morning sun in a stunning garden, surrounded by nature, and I was confronting him on video call about his behaviour online and how it made me feel. His response was “I wanted you to miss me”. That made me realise that I didn’t need that shit in my life, especially when abroad for projects and self-development. I thought to myself, Wait, why am I with someone who purposely makes me feel like this? I’m sitting in a beautiful country, having breakfast under the sun, and I’m dealing with this drama that is so unnecessary.
What did the breakup teach you?
I actually surprised myself with this breakup because I encouraged myself to move on from him (in 10 days to be exact). He ended up cheating on me towards the end of our relationship and that was a pivotal moment in my life where I learned to shift that energy and focus onto me. I remember waking up after my 10th day of crying and I jumped out of bed and said to myself, Fuck this shit, and fuck him. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I met my current partner in 2009 when I first moved to London. This was way before I was involved in that plain ass relationship! We were friends first but got together in 2017 when we had to train for a competition in Portugal, and everything just fell into place. We’ve been together six years now (two years engaged) and he is honestly my best friend.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Love yourself and take care of you first.
Lucy, 31
Two years ago. We were together for four years.
When did you realise that things were ending?
As we got older, I realised I was never going to be happy in a marriage with this person.
What did the breakup teach you?
A romantic relationship should not consume your life – friendships and family and work relationships should be important to you because love comes in many forms (and your partner should want you to nurture these other relationships).
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
A year and a half after. We’ve been together for five months.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Be honest with yourself and the people around you about your feelings, and focus on yourself. Say yes to experiences with other people and new friends – it will help you realise there’s a lot more to life than this person and this relationship.
Kira, 26
About seven years ago, and we were together for seven months.
When did you realise that things were ending?
Honestly, I was completely blindsided by it but when I look back I can see the signs. I was her first real relationship with a woman and she had a lot to figure out about herself still. I should have known when four or so months in, I told her I loved her and instead of responding she turned over, fell asleep and then we didn’t speak for 24 hours (she never said it back). Then, about a month before we broke up, she told me she wanted to try opening up our relationship. I’m a deeply monogamous person but I loved her so I said I would try. I saw a sex therapist to discuss what I would want from an open relationship and I put together a whole document of how I could feel comfortable being open. I presented the document to her and she didn’t like that I wanted to have rules for our open relationship. By the end of the conversation, she had broken up with me. Over the next month, I found out that she had already started seeing other people/hooking up with other people before she even broached the conversation of being open. Maybe I should have known when she constantly wanted to go out dancing with her friends and I wasn’t invited, but I (very naively) trusted her.
What did the breakup teach you?
I credit this shit show of a relationship for forcing me to be honest with myself about what I need in a relationship and also for teaching me that I really needed to stop being a doormat in my relationships. After this breakup, I took a few months to recuperate and then entered the dating world again, knowing I had a few non-negotiables for my next relationship. I needed my next partner to be emotionally intelligent, comfortable in their queerness and excellent at communication. I also really needed to date someone monogamous.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I met my now wife about six months after my last breakup and we’ve been together for six years.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
My first piece of advice is to let yourself feel sad for as long as you need. Everyone heals at different speeds and there’s no right answer for how long it takes to get over someone. My second piece of advice is to let every breakup be a lesson. Look at why the relationship didn’t work and be brutally honest with yourself in every future relationship. If you’re seeing a pattern in your partners that isn’t working for you, then take a look inward. Don’t settle for less than what you need; you deserve happiness.
Sadie, 30
My last breakup was my divorce. I was married for five years and that was three years ago.
When did you realise that things were ending?
I realised my relationship was ending when we were no longer aligned on anything. There were constant misunderstandings and arguments and then one day choosing not to fight became the more peaceful choice.
What did the breakup teach you? My breakup (divorce) isn’t what most would consider normal. We ended things quite peacefully and even had breakfast together after the divorce went through. What this taught me was that even though a chapter was closing for me, as sad as it seemed in the moment, there was also this understanding that when you know it’s time to let go, it’s okay to let go without thinking of your partner’s life without you but allowing them to be happy elsewhere. Without comparing his life to mine, I was able to move on peacefully with time.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I didn’t start dating until two and a half years later. My current partner and I are going nine months strong.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Please, please, please do not compare yourself and your healing to your ex-partner’s. Your value is not diminished simply because your ex has moved on before you or vice versa, or by how whoever you think they’ve moved on with compares to you. Whether you are compared better or worse, when you stop looking at it that way, you gain peace by accepting that each person deserves just as much happiness as you do.
Kristina, 33
Three and a half years ago. We were together for two and a half years.
When did you realise that things were ending?
I realised things were ending when I finally learned how to love myself and see our relationship for what it really was: toxic. I excused my partner’s abusive behaviour over and over again, when really I should have walked away at the first signs of manipulation and abuse. When you’re brought up with unhealthy relationships at home, it makes you think that particular behaviours are ‘normal’. It took me a long time and therapy to see that all I really needed was to love myself to see that their behaviour was so far from what I deserved.
What did the breakup teach you?
Always trust your gut and trust your friends – they’re right 99% of the time. Most importantly, never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
My current partner and I were friends in secondary school and dated previously, on and off. He was there for me as a friend when me and my ex broke up and something just clicked. It’s been three years now.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Every breakup is a lesson. You will go through feeling really low, feeling invincible and feeling nothing. You just have to feel it all. After all the hard work, you always come out of it as a stronger version of yourself.
Martha*, 28
*Name changed to protect identity
My last breakup was over five years ago, it was only a six-month relationship where we were together but we had been friends for years before. I had left my previous partner of five years to be with them. They told me that they wanted to be with me, even though I was in a relationship already. I had always found them so attractive and I was flattered by their attention.
When did you realise that things were ending?
Things had slowly turned as we started dating. They became critical about how I looked, my opinions, my career. They had never acted like this when we were friends, it was as if now I was their partner rather than just a friend, I wasn’t good enough. It reached a peak when they started making plans to move abroad and said they didn’t want me to come with them. I ended the relationship and they asked if I would continue having sex with them until they moved abroad. Hard pass.
What did the breakup teach you?
I stayed single for a long time and spent time learning about my self-worth and esteem. I also took a hard look at my own judgements and what I had valued about other partners, chasing people who I felt were out of my league and basically not respecting myself.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I met my current partner last summer on Hinge (there is still hope on the apps!). They are supportive, remind me constantly of why they value me and our relationship. I find their excitement about life, intelligence and respect for me so attractive. They are also physically attractive but I now also back myself and value more things than just what someone looks like.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Be curious about what they or the breakup has taught you about yourself. It wasn’t my fault that my ex was so disrespectful but I did stay longer than I should have.
Lindsay, 35
We were together for around nine months. It was way back in 2011 and honestly I think I’ve blocked out most memories of that time from my brain.
When did you realise that things were ending?
I remember one day I had diarrhoea and I told my mum about it, and later that day she asked me how my tummy was feeling in front of him. I was mortified that he would judge me for that. My mum told me if you still feel uncomfortable talking about these types of things, it’s not going to work out in the long run.
What did the breakup teach you?
If your whole family and all your friends don’t like your boyfriend, it’s probably because he’s not a great guy.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I met him around a year later (after a short hot girl era) and we have been together for 10 years now.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
I’m a fan of the cold turkey – cut off all contact!
Abigail, 29
We broke up six years ago and we were together for nearly three years.
When did you realise that things were ending?
It ended because I found out he was cheating on me. It’s actually the funniest way I’ve ever found out someone’s cheated on me. Basically, for months prior I was getting really anxious because he kept liking other girls’ pictures on Instagram (that was back when it used to show you a feed of who’s liked who). He was totally gaslighting me by telling me that it was happening ‘by accident’ when he was scrolling through Instagram and that I was being an idiot for even worrying.
Anyway, this guy was also a musician who played with some singer who had a live appearance on a BBC show. He was at the BBC, about to go on, and I was at home playing Sims on his laptop while he was out. A message came up on his laptop from a girl that I recognised as one of these girls whose photos he had sworn he’d only ‘accidentally’ liked. I’m not one to pry but I kind of had to and so I clicked on it and it took me to his Facebook messages, where there were so many messages between him and hundreds of women.
He often went on tour 50% of the year and he basically tried to pull every time he got off that tour bus. I called him and he was about three minutes from having to go live on TV and I just dropped that I’d read his Facebook and he must have shit a brick. He was trying to log me out while being ushered on stage. I called my best friend and tuned into BBC1 to watch him live on TV, knowing he wasn’t able to log me out of his Facebook before being forced on stage (his friends actually made a hilarious meme of a screenshot of him playing live, looking unwell). He came home and I’d already packed up my stuff, saved my Sims game to the cloud, gone home and that was it!
What did it teach me?
I only really realised how bad a boyfriend and friend he was when I met my current boyfriend. It’s sad but I can’t say he was the first boyfriend that treated me terribly. It was a case of being really insecure from being hurt badly once before and then also being in my 20s. Don’t get me wrong, this guy made me laugh, took me to lots of gigs and had fun friends. It was a good time. But he wasn’t convincing me that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because, looking back, he was totally obsessed with himself. He never asked me how I was doing or how my day was. If I started to talk about something happening at work, his eyes would glaze over and he’d be glancing over at the footy on the TV behind me. He did not give a flying fuck about anything to do with me. I guess I realised this on reflection.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for about four years and we met maybe a year and a half after me and my ex broke up. I found it incredibly uncomfortable at the beginning that he had a genuine interest in me – basic things like asking me how my day was and actually caring was really weird to me. He wanted to actually hang out with me on the weekends and go and do stuff together. I feel my current boyfriend taught me how to be treated properly. The way my ex treated me was up and down. It’s often an addictive cycle, where you’re chasing the next high and it’s pretty draining. I think I learned that just having a consistent treatment without these peaks and troughs is more sustainable for a relationship and on the mind.
Advice for someone going through a breakup?
After a breakup you feel like it is the end of the world. I would always ask myself, In five years will I still feel like this? The answer has always been no. Even though five years sounds like a long time, it just gives clarity that what you’re feeling in that moment is not going to last forever, though it often feels that way. I also don’t think anyone will listen to advice and act on it. When has anyone had a friend that has a shitty boyfriend and listened to your advice that they should break up with them? Never going to happen. People need to go through it themselves, go through the bad shit and you just gotta meet them on the other side. Going through a breakup sucks but week two is always better than week one and week three always better than week two. In a blink of an eye it’s been a few months and you’re probably on to the next thing.
Nazli, 30
My last breakup was six years ago and we’d been together almost five years.
When did you realise that things were ending?
We’d had a really rocky year beforehand when I’d found out I’d be moving to another country for medical school. I was so sure we’d be absolutely fine because we’d always thought we’d get married and had so many plans for the future. Plus I was only moving an hour (by plane) away so although I knew it would be hard, I thought we’d make loads of time for one another. That lead-up ended up revealing so many insecurities from him about our relationship and I started to realise we had very different ideas about what a relationship meant, different values and goals for the future. I think me taking a big step in my career made us strangely competitive and he never seemed proud of me. Sadly all the arguing just made us more distant and slowly I started to realise we weren’t willing to put the same kind of effort in. Much to my surprise, one day we had a really silly argument (about breakfast) and I realised I couldn’t do it anymore.
What did the breakup teach you?
Between the breakup with the man I thought I’d marry and the stress of moving to another country and doing the most intense studying of my life, I decided to start therapy. This was genuinely the best decision I ever made.
I realised I actually really struggled with being emotionally vulnerable and honest with another person. What I thought was me being radically truthful I realised was really a lot of defensiveness and anxiety. Because of the way we had argued, my self-esteem was so low after and I had internalised loads of ideas about not being good enough or being able to maintain a serious relationship.
But therapy helped me spend time with my own internal world, quiet that negative voice and really get to know myself. From that I could understand what I wanted in a partner and how I could be more open to receiving love.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I genuinely believe I might have manifested my current partner. It was about two years after my breakup and by writing down the aspects of myself I valued and loved, I was able to also think about these aspects of someone else. Literally about three months later we met (or more accurately, re-met as we’d been friends for about eight years prior) and we fell in love pretty quickly. We’ve been together three years now and although sometimes those same insecurities or fears of vulnerability come up in me, he’s so understanding and reassuring, I feel so secure.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Spend time with yourself, let yourself feel the feelings when they come up and grieve the loss. Once you’re ready, think about why it ended and whether it was truly the right relationship for you. Reassess what you want your future to look like, and who would be the right person to join you for the journey.
The weird thing about breakups is even though they mostly suck, they re-expand your world. When you’re with someone else you meld into each other’s plans, but when you’re single you get to dream big. You can take that new job, move to a new country, do that new thing! And because life is funny, the second you start to feel amazing again, some new person will come into your life that’ll throw you off balance and make you think about taking that dive again. But this time you’ll be well-equipped for the right person.
Caroline, 32
When did you realise that things were ending?
During the lockdown, we took some time to visit our families separately. We went almost an entire week without speaking on the phone or texting. We would ultimately spend three months physically separated, only talking on the phone a handful of times. By the time we reunited, it was obvious that there was nothing between us anymore (mostly physically, as we still enjoyed being around each other as friends). We also weren’t moving forward – no plans to move in together, spend quality time together or take the next steps as partners.
What did the breakup teach you?
My relationship had so many ups and downs, no communication, and major needs not being met. I learned that I can’t make someone love me in the way I want to be loved. It needs to happen naturally. I was always bending over backwards to mould to his way of being in a relationship, and in return I was harsh to him and pushed him away. Looking back, it’s so clear we should have just been friends but it’s difficult to see that when you’re attracted to the person and also invest so much emotional energy into something. After a few years, your lives become so intertwined and it’s hard to break up so you just stay in it and wait for the spark to come back.
How long afterwards did you meet your current partner and how long have you been together now?
I had told myself, I’m going to be single for a year. Famous last words. My current partner and I met about six months after my last breakup and have been together a year and a half and happily living together for a year.
Advice for anyone going through a breakup right now?
Breakups teach you so much. It’s a hard transition, of course, but after each one you learn more about your needs, your boundaries and your goals. It’s totally fine to be a mess, to cry and be in pain, but eventually it’ll subside. For me, it became so clear that I wanted a house, I wanted a family, I wanted someone to build towards a future with me, and I found that in my current partner.
Nicole, 32
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
19 Women On How They’re Protecting Their Peace