Are there job opportunities in the area? Can you afford the move? Is the culture compatible with your lifestyle? Have you lived together before? Can you see yourself having a community there? And plenty more to ask yourself. Long-distance relationships are hard, and sometimes the problems really are rooted in geography. But moving isn’t always a fix-all solution.
Obviously, everyone’s situation is different, and the choice isn’t just personal when there are things like family, friends and work to factor into the decision. As much as relationships can fulfil us, we all need a life of our own outside of our partners, too.
What often helps with life decisions like these, though, is hearing about other people’s experiences. So to gain some insight into how it has or has not worked, we mined the threads of Reddit for stories about taking the leap.
Ahead, 15 people share their thoughts and stories about moving for love.
“We did a LOT of real deep talks beforehand.”
“It wasn’t just for love, as we could have chosen either country to stay in, but ultimately decided his was the better option for our future and physicalmental health.
We did a LOT of real deep talks beforehand. What we both wantdon’t want for the future. How to handle money, how to handle household responsibilities. We figured out the best way for us to communicate when there are disagreements, and warned each other from the start about our ‘red flags‘ and behaviors we don’t like about ourselves and are constantly trying to improve. All relationships take a lot of work and a lot of communication, international relationships that require one person to move require that and then some.
It was the best move I have ever made and I feel more at home and happy here than I ever did in my old country. But I am aware that part of that can also still be the ‘honeymoon phase‘, I’ve only been here 11 months, working full time for 9. Well see in 11 years :)”
“I sacrificed way too many of my own career goals.”
“I moved to my then-boyfriend’s home town after uni. It was not a place I would ever have chosen to live, but I was young and starry-eyed.
We were there about four years before he had to move again for work. That kicked off moving once a year, for five years. Often because he lost or left jobs.
I sacrificed way too many of my own career goals, and it was very hard to connect to people outside the relationship. It was not a great relationship, as I’d unwittingly become his mommy-maid-therapist, but the sunk cost fallacy had me.
That’s how I spent my twenties. It wasn’t all bad, I learned a lot. Mostly what I wouldn’t be doing again.
I would only move for love again, if our goals aligned. Highly unlikely as can’t be arsed to date rn.”
“Not a one thing went right.”
“I [moved for love]. Twice. First one was meh, the second one was absolutely awful. Not a one thing went right. But if not for both, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Now moving to a different town (more like from the capital to a tiny town) for a Mr Right. And if that won’t somehow be our happily ever after… no regrets. You can ALWAYS go back.”
“It was very hard at first to go from long distance to living together with minimal alone time”
“We met traveling and did long distance for 2 years, broke up during Covid since we couldn’t see each other and it put a huge strain on things, then got back together and I moved to his country to study.
It was very hard at first to go from long distance to living together with minimal alone time and it took a little over a year to adjust. What helped was that I got my visa through school, and leveraged that to get a work visa so that little bit of independence gave me a lot of comfort when things were rocky. I could get out if I needed to.
However, after we got used to everything things became so nice, comfortable, and stable. It is hard at times because he doesn’t understand how hard it can be to live away from your family and be in a country where you don’t speak the language well so that can feel isolating at times. It helps if you can find other immigrants who understand that feeling so you aren’t so alone. This has kept the balance nicely, and we are now engaged and expecting our first baby together!
I am not sure if we will live here forever but, for now it feels like a good place to be. Looking back, I wish we had more discussions about our living styles and expectations before I made the move, just because it may have saved some disappointment or disagreements on both sides.”
“By FAR the best thing I ever did.”
“Moved from one side of the world to the other. By FAR the best thing I ever did. We separated a bit more than a year ago, after 18ish years, and I am still both surprised and upset.
It was an awesome adventure and I reckon you’ve got to ask yourself: what else are you doing with your life that’s so important? Hmm?”
“You can’t just move for them. Maybe that’s the driving factor, but that can’t be it.”
“I moved to be with my SO about six years ago… We had been dating about 1.5 years long distance and we just hit a point where either one of us moves or we break up. We evaluated the options of him moving or me moving and there was more to gain and more financial stability with me moving to CA. We married four years ago.
I do think that though you can’t just move for them. Maybe that’s the driving factor, but that can’t be it. Do you like the area? Are they good career options? Could you afford to live there on your own? Do you have any support base there?
The answer doesn’t have to be yes to all of these, but they are things to consider.”
“I’m very introverted, so I never made any friends.”
“I moved eight hours away from everyone and everything I knew to be with a guy I dated for ten months. It was pretty difficult at first; I went from living in a pretty awesome city with tons of culture and things to do to living just outside a pretty dangerous, disgusting smaller city that is practically a cultural wasteland. I’m very introverted, so I never made any friends. I had to commute to work at a hospital in that city and hated damn near every minute of it. I became incredibly depressed, to the point of really not wanting to live anymore.
I moved almost five years ago. We’ve now been happily married for over three. I got help in the form of therapy and antidepressants, quit the stressful hospital job two years ago, and started working with my husband. He owns a prominent small business in our little town that he’s extremely passionate about. Now I’m off antidepressants and happier than I’ve been in years. I still don’t have any close friends here, but I finally met a lot of people after quitting the hospital job.
Honestly, I’m amazed that my husband stuck with me through years of depression, anger, and irritability, but he is an incredibly supportive and patient man with a heart of gold.”
– mermur
“I ended up leaving my job and being miserable.”
“When my SO’s mother passed away, we moved to his hometown to be closer to the family. I took time off work and the rest of my life to support him, which I was more than happy to do, but with the understanding that it was only temporary (my work approved two months of leave which I thought was pretty generous).
After the initial two months, he decided that we should make the move official which I really wasn’t ok with. I loved my partner but the pressure he and his family put on me to uproot my life was really intense. I ended up leaving my job and being miserable.
My partner refused to budge and him not even being willing to give it a fair discussion was the final straw for me. This was not the person for me and this was not the life I wanted for myself. People always said we were made for each other and say that it would’ve been so different had he never had the loss but I disagree. Whether it was this situation or another, something was bound to go wrong down the track.”
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“I wasted about four years of my life.”
“I was in a long-distance relationship for about a year and ten months with my ex, we lived about 5 hours away from each other. It was really difficult moving in with him because we went from seeing each other about four times a year (sure we skyped, phoned, texted that sort of thing but it just wasn’t the same) to living together and being around each other 24/7.
At first, it was great but then you start to notice little things you didn’t know before. Sure that’s how any relationship goes when you first live together I just found it even harder I think.
Also, I moved cities to find out that his mother hated me and I hadn’t even met her. Looking back on it I wish I never dated him or moved because I wasted about four years of my life.”
“Am I compromising my values or goals to move out where he is?”
“Honestly, at this point in my life, I don’t think it’s something I could do anymore, since I love my job and am working on building my career. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to move for an SO, but I would definitely consider the following before making that commitment:
How invested am I in this relationship?
Does our relationship have a future?
Am I compromising my values or goals to move out where he is?
Can I get a good job in my field in my SO’s area?
Can I support myself if I move?
Do I have friends or family where he lives, or can I build friendships easily?
What is my plan if our relationship ends?”
“You moving to them isn’t the only option.”
“I moved overseas for my boyfriend of four months. It hasn’t always been easy for various, mostly unrelated, reasons but I have never regretted it… You have to think about what the plan would be if you moved and if you could be happy there and evaluate the relationship and its future.
Compare the two paths to decide which would make you happier. Consider the risks and whether they are worth it. Discuss your future with them to make sure you are on the same page.
Personally, I would only move for someone if we are for life but in your case, it’s also an area you presumably know well, with your family and some friends so if you think you can get a job there, that’s much less risk. You even live close enough that you could look for a job before moving. Not to say you should. You moving to them isn’t the only option.”
“I tried to put on a brave face but they could see I wasn’t happy.”
“I was with my partner doing long-distance for a year. We went back and forth with the decision for about a year until I decided to try moving interstate to him.
I could not have been more miserable. I couldn’t make friends, find a job in my field or really make a life of my own. As an independent person, having everything centred around my partner’s life was too much for me to deal with.
I tried to put on a brave face but they could see I wasn’t happy so we eventually decided to meet halfway and ended up moving somewhere that was new to both of us. Three years later and we haven’t looked back! I don’t regret trying but I’m so happy that I had a partner who was understanding and cared about whether or not I was content with our living situation. I think that should be the standard for everyone!”
– ignoreme
“A lot of times a long-distance relationship will extend the life of a dying relationship longer than it should.”
“I’ll just say this.
A lot of times a long-distance relationship will extend the life of a dying relationship longer than it should. You image a perfect version of them, and then once reunited for a longer period of time the reality sinks in, and the flaws become more apparent.
It takes some mature people and a sort of recalibration to make that work.
For me, it didn’t work. Good luck.”
“Things are feeling a lot better now.”
“3 months into a move for love (Australia>USA)
2.5years of long distance was taking its toll on the relationship, things are feeling a lot better now I’m here and we’re doing things we enjoy finally and I’m feeling so much better about the future!”
“The hardest part was building a support system from scratch.”
“I moved across the country to be with my long-distance boyfriend. For me, it was knowing that my life was in a state of flux (just finished undergrad, and was starting grad school) so it was easy to establish myself in a new city.
The hardest part was building a support system from scratch. I have no family here and no friends. It took a while to build up friendships but it’s been a year and a half and I’ve never been happier!”
– mahayana
“I had serious rose-tinted glasses on.”
“My long-distance girlfriend of ~2 years and I decided it would be a [good] idea for me to move to her city (across the country) because we wanted to close the distance. Plus I got along with her family really well, and I loved the area she lived in, so I made the move.
After a few months, some issues in the relationship arose. Our love languages turned out to be woefully incompatible, and I think part of the reason was that she started to lose her affection for me. Seven months in we had the talk, broke up, and I moved back.
I should have read these flags when we visited each other, but I had serious rose-tinted glasses on.”
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