But sometimes, no matter how much you water your love fern, there are some things that a relationship just can’t overcome. The reasons for a relationship breaking down are rarely simple, but they’re almost always relatable.
Below, nine women share the stories of the moment they knew their relationship was over (even if it took them years to actually end it), from a husband who propositioned their partner’s best friend while they were out of town, to having their worst suspicions confirmed after going through their partner’s phone. And, of course, growing out of love after the dreaded seven-year itch.
Ash, 34 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
7 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
My best friend said he propositioned her.
Tell us the backstory.
We were married, and he was not being a good person, let alone husband, so I shared with my best friend at the time that I needed to go away for a weekend to see another one of our best pals. While I was away, she went over to my house without me knowing, got very drunk with him, then apparently he propositioned her.
A month later, I found out while on a trip away with her and another girlfriend. I was then left with an ex-husband and an ex-best friend, even though they both said nothing had happened — it didn’t matter to me; that was the final straw. We thought it better to call it quits than to stay together.
Faye, 33 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
8 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
Honestly, I’d had enough. I was crying all the time and feeling hopeless about everything. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I had to end it.
Tell us the backstory.
We met when we were 23, and he seemed to be the perfect person for me (on paper, anyway). We always had a lot of fun together and made each other laugh. He was easy to live with and be around. But as we got older, I realised that we had very little in common, and that I was the only source of life and joy in the relationship. I made all the plans, I initiated sex, I decided what movies we were going to watch and I made sure we didn’t have the same thing for dinner every night.
Eventually, I got bored and tired of the fact that he never wanted to go out. The relationship was just him and me, as he had very few friends and very little need for socialisation while I wanted to do more than sit around and watch TV. Over time, our sex life became non-existent and he said it was because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I had gained weight. Actually, it was because we had very different sex drives (when I’ve reflected on it, I realise he almost never wanted to have sex), and eventually, I stopped wanting to try as he made me feel bad about myself. It hurt me a lot to leave because I loved him, but I knew I wasn’t happy. It’s been hard at times but I’m so happy I left.
Kaia, 28 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
4 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
As we grew up, we realised that we didn’t share the same hopes for the future and it wasn’t fair to hold each other back, so we ended it.
Tell us the backstory.
After a few years together, we began to realise that we had different dreams about our futures. He wanted to move back to our hometown, settle down, get married and have kids. I wanted to move overseas, learn new things and really expose myself to the world. He eventually ended things because he knew I didn’t have the heart to do it and it wasn’t fair to keep pulling each other in different directions.
After we broke up, he moved home and I moved overseas. Looking back now (it’s been a couple of years since we broke up), we both ended up where we wanted to be. He moved to a small town, has a new long-term partner and is about to have his first child. I’ve moved three times since then, including overseas, I’ve got a new partner and we’re in the middle of planning a big sailing trip around the world. We could not be more different, but we’re both really happy.
Lola, 28 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
7 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
I needed more. I didn’t feel challenged or stimulated by our conversations. I felt like the passenger and less of a partner — he was in charge and I just had to go along for the ride.
Tell us the backstory.
I want to preface that we have now gotten back together after a 9-month hiatus. We soft-launched and spent months reconnecting and working through bad communication habits and are in a good place. BUT the breakup was super important to get to this point.
After 7 years, I felt like I was losing myself and my spark and I guess I just found myself drifting — one day I just reached my limit and didn’t think I could keep going anymore. I slept on it and then bit the bullet. It was really hard; probably the hardest thing I’d been through in my life at the time because I felt like I was losing a best friend, his brothers and his friend group as well. We share a dog together so the fact we had to co-parent added a level of difficulty.
Being apart during those nine months helped me love myself again (most days) and I think I found my voice. It’s easier for me to speak up about something that bothers me now.
Francesca, 33 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
3 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
There were a few things that led to the relationship breakdown, but on reflection, the core of it was that some of our deep-rooted values just didn’t align.
Tell us the backstory.
It’s a long story. But the summarised version is that we came to realise our views on family and the importance of those relationships were polar opposites. And when he eventually admitted that he had no interest in family life or spending time with relatives at all — that, in fact, he resented it — things just fell apart.
There were other problems that impacted our relationship, but this experience really taught me the value of understanding what your core, uncompromisable values are and the need for those to line up with those of your partner.
Billie, 28 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
3 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
There was so much hurt on both sides and we’d lost the connection, but on reflection, I’m not sure we ever really had it. I was contemplating ending things when I went through his phone while we were on holiday. I know, I know… but I had a feeling. Anyway, he’d been flirting with a friend of mine and, safe to say, that was a no from me. I broke up with him the moment we landed.
Tell us the backstory.
We got together on rough ground. Being in the same friendship group, we were friends with both of our exes and they were hurt. They cut ties with us, and I never really got over the loss of my friend. I always felt guilty and like I’d made the wrong decision, but it was too late to turn back.
The writing was on the wall early, but we’d both invested so much to be together that we stayed together for three years. Two years in, he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me and it took me another year to realise I didn’t love him and never would. We were different people with different values. It was a mess. Two years on and having now met the love of my life, I don’t have regrets. I do wish I hadn’t hurt him or my friend, though.
Jenny, 26 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
3 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
It was very complicated, but it boiled down to how young we were when we got together and dating long-distance. We didn’t know how to effectively communicate and would fight about anything and everything.
Tell us the backstory.
We got together when we were 16/17 and had been in the same friend group during high school. Shortly after graduation and after a year of being together, he moved to Sydney for work while I lived at home (three hours down the south coast) with my parents. Because of my uni schedule and casual job, I barely had the time to see him, despite the effort he made to see me while he was going through a lot with his terrible new job.
We couldn’t resolve these issues and ended up fighting on the phone every night. Eventually, our relationship completely broke down and after a month-long break, we officially broke up. But the funny thing is, we kept in touch, worked through our communication issues as friends (it was very hard) and got back together a year later. We’ve been together ever since 🙂
Jaymie, 28 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
6 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
I absolutely adored my boyfriend, but so much changed in six years and I wasn’t sure the relationship, in its current state had longevity.
Tell us the backstory.
We had an amazing relationship, but post-Covid (and in the last six months to a year of our relationship), so much changed. He became heaps more introverted and our interests were becoming extremely different, so it was becoming hard to find common interests and get excited about the same things. I wasn’t sure if our relationship in its current form had legs to last the rest of our lives, so we broke up.
Petra, 27 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
7 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
Looking back, the relationship absolutely ran its course. We didn’t break up for any particular reason, really, as in to say we didn’t really have any major fight or issue that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Rather, we had gotten so comfortable together that we were sort of just coasting along, happy enough but not really progressing. I remember thinking that we should break up, but I was honestly terrified to end it. We spent almost every day together, talking constantly and sharing everything.
The first thing people asked me was always related to him or us. I couldn’t imagine myself without him. We ultimately broke up because he was moving overseas but didn’t really make it clear that he wanted me to come with him. I sensed the hesitation and took it as a sign that it was a good time to call it.
It’s been six or so years now since we split up and I can say I am totally at peace with the relationship we had — it’s a beautiful memory. I’m happier now (not to say I wasn’t happy with him, I really was), because I think the hurt that I had to go through in losing him made me face a lot of shit I was too comfortable to have to face while we were together.
Tell us the backstory.
We met when we were 13, through a mutual friend at school and, as teenagers tend to do, we instantly became “boyfriend and girlfriend”. He was from the country, I grew up in the city, and it was exciting at the time to meet someone who grew up a bit differently from me. At the time, [growing up] three hours out of Sydney felt really far away. All in all, I’d say we had a pretty great love story. We met as kids, and by the time we broke up, we were adults. We did a ridiculous amount of growing together.
For our first date, we went to a movie with several of my girlfriends sitting in the row behind us for support in case I needed it (it was my first date, and I was pretty nervous). I kept the movie tickets until we broke up seven years later.
Katie Allen, 42 (she/her)
How long was your relationship?
10 years.
Why did you end your long-term relationship?
I’m a woman who realised I’m asexual at the age of 40. Asexuality is frequently overlooked as a sexual orientation, hence the reason it took me so long to finally understand it and realise that it applied to me. Sadly this realisation came eight years into a relationship with a straight cis man. Unfortunately this relationship ended two years later as it was too difficult to navigate with that partner. I was met with an unwillingness to discuss my sexuality from any perspective other than there was something that needed fixing in me, or that my feelings towards them had changed.
I’m now in a new relationship, with another straight cis man, who understands that our relationship is a queer relationship and who respects my sexuality and the need for communication in a different way for both our needs to be met.
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