Terms like this only serve to categorise people, and often at the discomfort of those who occupy those spaces. “This language implies there are standards and norms that our relationships ‘should’ be subscribing to when the most important thing is that the people in that couple are happy with it, rather than feeling that they constantly have to label themselves or create comparisons,” says Kate Moyle, sex and relationships therapist for sexual wellness brand LELO. “What matters most is how we navigate these dynamics if they cause upset, which might well be exacerbated by the creation of terms like this.”
Refinery29 spoke to women in mixed weight relationships to find out how they actually feel about the problematic term.
*Some interviewees have been kept anonymous to protect themselves and their partners.
I’m larger than my partner, being a UK size 24, and it has never affected my confidence and never posed an issue between us. People would love for me to claim it has, but it hasn’t. I don’t see my relationship as “mixed weight”, I’m just larger than my partner and that is okay. I find it astonishing that we are categorised this way. The term “mixed-weight relationship” has been coined because we’re living in a fatphobic society that demonises larger bodies and also puts huge pressure on AFAB people (assigned female at birth), to align to a certain beauty standard. I don’t let it get to me.
I’m actively working on feeling okay about my size difference compared to my partner. My partner loves me so much. I know it in her every look, her words. I know my size doesn’t bother her and it doesn’t impact our cosy moments or our intimate moments.
I don’t like talking about it, but when I do, it’s about losing weight, and she’s supportive about it, and how she can help. When I’m shy or self-conscious, or my confidence takes a hit, she’s immediately there telling me the sweetest things and adoring me as I am. But this problem existed before her and it’ll take a while to dismantle. Being queer and someone from an Asian cultural background, your size is the biggest thing (no pun intended) that your community picks apart. And it’s not something easily unlearned, to not see what they see. I feel it most keenly when my partner and I step outside — I try to avoid reflective surfaces, I don’t want to take photos, or have them taken, or sometimes even be observed. The contrast is stark. I’m bigger in height and width. She’s smaller in both. And sometimes even the most loving and supportive partner isn’t enough. So I signed up for therapy, and personal training, in hopes to challenge that perspective.
We’ll probably always be a “mixed-weight couple”, but at least I can work off the self-consciousness in my head and in my body for my own wellbeing and for my relationship.
I saw the term “mixed-weight relationship” for the first time recently when watching an Instagram reel speaking about Colin and Penelope in Bridgerton. The moment I saw that term, it resonated with me as someone in a heterosexual relationship where the woman weighs more. Often if the media shows a mixed-weight relationship, it would be the man who weighed more or was “overweight” with the woman being thin or conventionally attractive.
All my life, I’ve been in mixed weight relationships. One ex-boyfriend told me to lose weight, especially because he was so much thinner than me. Another ex-boyfriend said I did not look pretty enough and broke up with me. I was young then and it bothered me a lot. This is coupled with me being Asian American, where Asian women are viewed as they should be smaller, daintier and thinner. The pressure to be thin from my past mixed-weight relationships negatively affected my confidence. Now, I’m fortunate to be in a marriage where my husband loves me the way I am and has allowed me to go on my own personal journey to grow my confidence. With his support, I competed in a pageant as one of the few married women and placed two awards. I then went on to create a body positive social media platform and he supported me by filming my videos.
Our weight difference does not bother me. We did have a photoshoot recently where the photographer asked if he could carry me and I jokingly yelled no. I’m excited that more relationships are being showcased that defy the norms, and in the case of our mixed weight relationship, I’m the one who can carry him!
It feels sexist to me. If a guy is bigger than a woman in a relationship — whether it’s extra weight or bigger muscles — we never hear this term being used, so why is it now being penned for women who are a few sizes bigger than the person they’re in a relationship with?
I’ve been through phases in my relationship where our weight difference has made me feel a little insecure, but it’s not something I’ve ever really had to discuss with my partner as I haven’t let it become an issue. Things like this only become issues for couples when the press or social media turn it into “a thing”, which sadly seems to be happening here.
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