This week: “I’m a 39-year-old who is the mum of a 4-year old (M) and in a crumbling relationship with his dad (W). I earn £36.5k, which is way under what I should be earning and due to the cost of living crisis I’m actively looking for a new job (this will help give me a financial buffer if the relationship goes how I’m predicting it will). I have shares and have managed to save £62.5k in there. While this is an amazing amount to have saved, I actually lost £70k in it recently due to a share price drop (something W hasn’t let me forget). Between being underemployed, a poor financial decision and my relationship, my confidence is at an all-time low — just what you need when you are looking for new roles. I’m trying to work out what to do for the best for my son while managing day-to-day life and my volunteer work.”
Occupation: Research scientist
Industry: Science
Age: 39
Location: Northwest
Salary £36,500
Paycheque amount: £2,000
Number of housemates: Two: my partner, W, and son, M.
Pronouns: She/her
Monthly Expenses
Housing costs: £400 for my half of the mortgage.
Loan payments: None.
Savings? £62.5k in shares and £4.4k across an easy access saver and ISA.
Utilities: My half of everything is £20 broadband, £80 gas and electric, £60 council tax, £14 water, £13 TV licence. House, car, contents and travel insurance is paid annually.
Pension? I do have a pension and I think I pay 8% of my salary into it and my company contributes something to it. I recently paid off my student loans (Plan 1) and am considering doing what my friend is doing and putting the amount I was paying toward my loans into my pension as an additional voluntary contribution (when I can afford to).
All other monthly payments: £10 phone, £45 M’s swimming lessons, £20 family zoo membership. Subscriptions: £4.99 Netflix, £150 childcare (even with 30 free hours I have increased it to cover the holidays). We do get child benefit and we put this immediately into M’s ISA.
Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Fortunately I went to university when fees were low (£1,200) and I had a student loan that covered most of my costs. I worked as well and my parents helped out where they could. I recently cleared my student loan, though due to the cost of living crisis I have felt no benefit from my increased pay.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money?
There was zero financial education from my family about money, except ‘don’t get into debt’. This has led to me initially being fearful of debt and hating owing people anything. I am getting better at understanding this isn’t always the case although I still send people any money I owe them immediately). I really wish my parents had taught me about saving, especially stocks and shares, as this could have saved me from making a very costly mistake. Since then I have been actively making space each week to further my understanding in this area to prevent me from doing the same again.
If you have, when did you move out of your parents’/guardians’ house?
I left their home when I was 18 for uni and fully moved out at 23.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself? Does anyone else cover any aspects of your financial life?
At 23 when I moved into a rental and then bought my first home at 24.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
Babysitting family friends’ children. I honestly can’t remember how much I earned and I never felt that grown up: I was terrified of ruining their house!
Do you worry about money now?
Yes I do. Inflation has increased the cost of everything and, compared to a year ago, I am significantly worse off despite not paying for childcare. Additionally, the shares I have decreased significantly in value recently, meaning I lost £70k (no, this isn’t a typo). I learned a lot from this very painful experience; had I had a better financial education, maybe I would have fared better. This has put extra strain on my relationship with W as he doesn’t let me forget this, despite me trying to open up communication on finances. This year we have also had back-to-back expensive months, which has diminished my small, easily accessible savings. I am also aware my car will need to be replaced soon — I probably need to get a new one before the MOT in October. I was planning on building my savings this year but due to the past few months being costly I haven’t been able to. I know I have the shares to fall back on and can use them to get a new car if necessary, but I am trying to avoid this. I will need as much cash as possible if my relationship is heading where I think it is. I want to financially protect myself and M.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income?
I received £10k on graduating that I wasn’t expecting — this was the culmination of three small inheritances that I was unaware of (£1-3k per person who died) and my parents topping it up when they could. This went as my deposit on my first house. My parents also gifted me £12k a few years back after having M, but I knew from my sister that this “gift” came with conditions so I transferred it to M’s ISA to avoid all that and thanked them for their generosity and helping him have a great start in life.
6:30 a.m. — Wake up in a hotel in London, following a work event I was attending all day and all evening yesterday. I would have preferred to have travelled home but train times vs event time wouldn’t allow for it. I get up and head down for a mediocre breakfast. Bonus points as there is no washing up!
7:40 a.m. — Head to station to get train home. Pick up coffee on the way as the stuff at breakfast was disgusting (expensed).
7:55 a.m. — Given the current state of our train services it comes as no surprise that Euston is in chaos and there are significant delays to all trains going north of Watford. Great.
8:30 a.m. — Fifteen minutes late but we’re on the train and ready to go with a promise that they will make up the time (spoiler alert: They don’t).
10:50 a.m. — Thirty minutes later than scheduled, the train arrives at the station and I walk to the car park to collect my car (prepaid parking).
11:10 a.m. — Run into the supermarket to get a nice bread roll for lunch, wine and olives for dinner, £10.82. I promise my shops are never normally this middle class — it shocks even me!
11:20 a.m. — I get home to an empty house as my partner, W, has taken our son, M, out for the day for quality bonding time. It is spookily quiet and so over the course of the day I listen to a variety of music and podcasts and crack on with all the jobs I don’t get time to do properly when they are both here. I also submit my delay repay claim.
12:20 p.m. — Break for lunch. I use my nice bread roll to make a bog standard sandwich seem fancy.
3:40 p.m. — W and M are home, having had a great day. In the time they have been away I have done one load of washing, cooked a big batch of dinner (so we have freezer meals for some future easy dinners), deep cleaned the bathroom and bedrooms and arranged a huge pile of stuff to be Vinted or sent to the charity shop as required. Plan to do this in the evenings when M is asleep.
5:15 p.m. — In the past hour and a half I have been talked at nonstop. W is in a mood about something so is somewhere in the house. Serve up dinner for us all but W won’t come down so it’s just me and M. Despite having this same meal many, many times before, it looks different so M won’t even try it.
6:30 p.m. — After a long mealtime where M eventually eats, we go out to play in the garden for a bit before it is shower and suppertime. The whole time W is being passive-aggressive and I honestly have no idea what is going on.
7:30 p.m. — Supper and shower time for M. Still solo parenting.
8 p.m. — Start bedtime routine and eventually get M to sleep. He did the stereotypical thing of not being tired and avoiding going to sleep by saying how much he missed me when I was away (the photos suggest otherwise).
8:30 p.m. — Go downstairs and W is still in a mood and won’t talk to me without snapping. Give up on him and focus on doing more cleaning to get ahead.
10:30 p.m. — Head up to bed and eventually get to sleep.
Total: £10.82
6 a.m. — M is up and is very, very awake. Given W’s mood last night and the fact that he solo parented the night before, I take the hit and get up with M (though I realise on writing this that I would have ended up doing this anyway on a normal weekend to keep the peace).
7:30 a.m. — Convince M he needs breakfast to survive and we compromise on toast that he can eat in the living room while watching TV.
8 a.m. — W wakes up and seems less in a mood. He plays with M for a bit while I go to get ready (shower in peace!).
9:15 a.m. — Out of the house and into the car for the short drive to a bike ride spot.
11 a.m. — Arrive home and W is complaining we weren’t out for long enough and he’s not well. Head outside to dig out the paddling pool and BBQ.
12 p.m. — To the surprise of no one, it is difficult to get a kid to eat anything (even sausages) when there is a paddling pool nearby. Admit defeat. M slowly eats his lunch over the course of two hours.
2 p.m. — W starts going on at me for not doing anything (neither is he) and how we need to be doing more. He says he will parent so I crack on with the cleaning again and, despite the heat, make a good dent in it.
4 p.m. — Realise that there are a few birthdays coming up so I wrap four gifts and find four cards. Realise my stash of cards is getting low so I order 30 cards for £30 from Whistlefish.
4:30 p.m. — Spend 20 minutes looking for a new job. There is literally nothing out there, which depresses me.
5 p.m. — Go into the kitchen to work out dinner and notice there is an issue with our inbuilt fridge. Can’t work out if the fridge is leaking (not good) or milk has been spilled in it — watery yet congealed with lumps at the same time. Call W in, who says a milk bottle split three weeks earlier and he was sure that not that much had leaked but he hadn’t checked. He proceeds to walk back out to the garden. I guess that means I am cleaning it. I want to cry but end up clearing the fridge out while trying not to be sick.
5:30 p.m. — Unsurprisingly I wasn’t hungry after that and pull together leftovers from the BBQ along with fresh veg for W who demolishes it.
7:30 p.m. — Usual bedtime routine of supper, shower and convincing an overly tired M that he is, in fact, tired.
8:30 p.m. — W is watching the Euros. I go in to spend time with him. He makes some rude comments on my weight so I leave and head to a room upstairs to get on with a couple of projects and getting everything ready for the week ahead.
9:30 p.m. — Head to bed as I realise I have a really busy day tomorrow.
11 p.m. — Spend 90 minutes with M, who’s coughing and not feeling very well but somehow never wakes up (fortunately).
Total: £30
6:30 a.m. — I was going to get up early and go for a run but I was up numerous times in the night with M, who is now right as rain. Pass him over to W and get ready for the day. Wash and dry hair and do my makeup.
7:30 a.m. — I am ready but no one else in the house is so I crack on with making M’s lunch and his breakfast before getting anything for myself. W and M have their regular clash about M not eating. They are as stubborn as each other so they have made this a battleground.
8:15 a.m. — Get M out of the house and take him to post letters and play on the way to school.
9 a.m. — Head to my offsite meeting with the collaborators. Due to the project having an NDA, I can’t talk about it. I am not sure I am even meant to tell people where the meeting is. This makes it seem way more interesting than it actually is.
9:40 a.m. — There is a Lidl on the way so I run in to get floor wipes. I ran out at the weekend, £3.60.
9:55 a.m. — Arrive at meeting venue with five minutes to spare and set myself up for a boring day where a very sad buffet is included for lunch.
4:30 p.m. — It is finished. It was previously agreed we would all go out for dinner to celebrate hitting a milestone. Head to meal location even though it is not for another two hours.
5 p.m. — Video call home to see M as he will be asleep before I am back. He has zero interest as the TV is on but I tried so I can limit the mum guilt there at least.
5:15 p.m. — Get a text that I am in my overdraft so transfer enough to put me in the black by 30p. Spend longer than I should worrying about finances. We have had some big unexpected expenses back to back and it cleared out what little I had in accessible savings. This ruins my time between my meeting and dinner and I just want to head home.
6:30 p.m. — Dinner at the restaurant. It is far too warm and I am surrounded by people far more intelligent than myself. It takes a while for me to settle in and get comfortable. The food is mediocre too. I wish I had just gone home, to be honest.
9 p.m. — Head to car park: £15 for a few hours parking. Fortunately this is covered by expenses.
9:30 p.m. — Go past a petrol station and remember I need to fill up the car, £54.86.
9:50 p.m. — Arrive home. Give M a kiss and head to bed. Why does sitting in a meeting all day drain you so much?
Total: £58.46
7:15 a.m. — Go and wake M up and get him down for the usual breakfast battle while I make his lunch.
7:45 a.m. — We’re all ready and W is taking M to school today so I head to the office.
8:10 a.m. — Arrive at office and remember it is pay day. Move money to the joint account before opening up my emails. How did I get 250 emails from being out for two days? Get a coffee to help me through it.
9 a.m. — I crack on with what’s important to me first: submitting £342 expenses from the past two work days (high due to the hotel).
9:30 a.m. — Get called into a meeting about yesterday. They ask for honest feedback and are surprised when they get exactly that. Be careful what you wish for!
12 p.m. — Send W an email detailing outgoings from joint account and how much he owes on joint credit card so he can transfer this on his pay day. Attempting a new way of dealing with our finances. He used to send what he thought he should and I would inevitably end up asking for more. That made me feel bad and him annoyed, even though it was always justifiable. Let’s see if this works.
12:15 p.m. — Due to mad morning I didn’t get lunch for myself so drive to local shop to pick up something from their posh £5 meal deal. It is pay day after all!
1 p.m. — Another meeting cut short (by 10 minutes) and clear actions for everyone. I love meetings like this: We’ve all worked together for a long time so we know each other well and everyone is doing the work of five people at the moment so we don’t have time for much small talk.
4 p.m. — Head to get M from childminder’s for his swimming lesson.
5:30 p.m. — Great swimming lesson for M — he’s really coming along well and I am so proud of him. I make sure he knows this when he’s out of the water.
6 p.m. — Drop off Vinted parcels then head home. Dinner is on the table when I arrive, which I would be grateful for were it not for the passive-aggressive comments from W, in front of M, during dinner. End up finishing early and doing some gardening to get some space.
6:50 p.m. — Supper for M while he watches TV, followed by a shower.
7:10 p.m. — A mum friend messages and asks if we want to go and see a show together in a few weeks. Show M the advert and he’s in. She books the tickets and I transfer her the £35 (great use of my delay repay money). What I love about this is I haven’t had to do the organising. I usually have to do it (or am expected to) so it’s a nice change and I appreciate her reaching out.
8:30 p.m. — M is finally asleep. I head downstairs to complete life admin on the computer while W watches England play in the Euros.
10:30 p.m. — Head to bed wondering where the past two hours went.
Total: £40
6 a.m. — Wake up and go for a run. I started Couch to 5k and I am struggling on week seven. I wonder why I am putting myself through all this when I have so much on at the moment.
6:40 a.m. — Usual morning arguments and trying to convince a very stubborn 4-year-old he is going to school and he will eat his breakfast. We win eventually but please tell me that this battle ends soon? W has made me an iced coffee — the first nice gesture in weeks. I thank him for it (but internally am really confused).
7:40 a.m. — Arrive at work, have breakfast at my desk and review emails and wonder how work is such a shitshow at the moment?
10 a.m. — Not sure where the time went but between emails, desk and lab work I am into my first meeting of the day. This lasts far longer than it should but we do get through everything and I leave with even more on my to-do list.
12 p.m. — After chasing up some suppliers I break for lunch and work on some stuff for my volunteer work. I was encouraged to get into volunteering by my friend K a number of years ago as she said it had really helped expand her skill set and network. I try but, like I said, I have a lot on my plate at the moment and I don’t feel like I am giving it the focus I should. It has gone from being something I enjoyed doing to a chore and I have enough of those.
12:30 p.m. — Back in the lab and cracking on with a ridiculous to-do list. When I get a break from that I am working on my emails.
4:45 p.m. — Pick M up from the childminder’s. The journey here was a nightmare.
5 p.m. — W hasn’t got dinner out so I rummage through the fridge and make a risotto to use some stuff up.
5:15 p.m. — Immediately regret my choice to cook this on the hottest day of the year.
6 p.m. — Completely worth it. M takes one bite, decides it is delicious and proceeds to devour it. This never, ever happens and while this seems like a small win, it’s a big win for me.
6:20 p.m. — Write the week’s shopping list while I play a game with M.
6:50 p.m. — M asks for supper and I sort this for him and he eats it while watching TV. While he’s doing that I pay for all our childcare (we juggle between four!). Due to holidays and the 30 free hours it comes to £45.40 for my half.
7:20 p.m. — Shower with M and get him to bed. Grateful that tonight wasn’t a battle as I am exhausted.
7:30 p.m. — W heads out to do the weekly shop. I don’t see the receipt so have no idea what it comes to.
8:10 p.m. — Head downstairs and put on a foot mask and decide (having written these entries) that I do so little for myself that I am just going to relax and start a craft project. I am not good at sitting doing nothing and find this more relaxing.
10:30 p.m. — Head to sleep.
Total: £45.40
6 a.m. — Up and awake. Today my Avanti delay repay has landed in my account, yay!
6:15 a.m. — M is in a seriously cuddly mood and I am lapping it up while I can. I know soon that he won’t be interested as he’ll be too grown up.
6:30 a.m. — Admit defeat and that, sadly, we have to go to school or work and we need to get up and get on with the day. I head for a quick shower while W gets M ready.
7 a.m. — M is having a packed lunch today so I prepare that for him and take leftovers in for my lunch. W is at his office today so it’s a juggle to get everyone ready and out on time.
7:45 a.m. — All out of the door. Take M to childminder’s, who will drop him off, and then both of us to our respective workplaces.
8:10 a.m. — Arrive and go straight into the lab to get on with my work.
9:20 a.m. — Stop for a coffee and to check my emails. Find out there is a collection for someone who is leaving (the jammy sod!). Put £5 into the collection and then back to the lab.
12 p.m. — Have a phone call with a recruitment consultant and discuss what I am looking for and why I am wanting to leave. I am severely underpaid and under-appreciated here. I need to find a role that gives me some breathing room with finances, especially if W and I end up splitting up and I need to find a new place to live (we co-own with a large mortgage and I doubt either of us could afford this place on our own).
12:40 p.m. — I message a friend about what I should and shouldn’t do next.
4:20 p.m. — Finish work and head home.
5 p.m. — Get home and spend 30 minutes tidying and cleaning before heating up dinner. W has taken M to a football class to see if he likes it (we split the swimming and the football lessons depending on our work).
5:50 p.m. — I am heading out to an exercise class myself so have a super small dinner then start to wash up to make life easier for W, in case I am back late.
6 p.m. — They are home and apparently the football class is a hit. Will review costs and sign up at the weekend if he still thinks the same then. (Time has taught me to always wait to see if M still says he enjoys something.)
7:15 p.m. — All done and I’m glad my class was free. I didn’t really enjoy it and my head was running through the list of jobs that I need to get done and could have if I wasn’t at the class (which is completely unreasonable, as I have at least a week’s worth of jobs to get sorted).
7:30 p.m. — Head to the pharmacy that is round the corner to collect M and W’s prescriptions. Put this on joint card but W will pay for his (we split everything house- and M-related 50:50 and pay for our own stuff).
7:45 p.m. — Home and time for a shower with M and then get him to bed.
8:30 p.m. — Wake up with M and head to my own bed. I didn’t realise I was this tired.
Total: £5
6 a.m. — Hello Friday! It has been a long week. I follow the usual morning routine.
7:45 a.m. — Get into work and set my reactions up again then settle in for a coffee and to check bank accounts. Realise child benefit is coming in on Monday and as I have the money in my account, I transfer it to M’s ISA now before I forget, £109.40.
8 a.m. — Realise it is my friend’s 40th birthday coming up soon — yep it’s that time of life and I know mine is coming up soon though W says I am in denial. I have a look around and end up ordering her a handbag for £44 in the sale.
8:30 a.m. — Usual morning of balancing lab work, emails and to-do lists.
12:20 p.m. — Have lunch and think of things to do at the weekend. Check the weather and it’s meant to be okay so book tickets for a local theme park, £28. I decide this is also from the delay repay money. (Yes, I know I have already spent it but shhh… I have justified it to myself and I also feel like I have barely seen M this week.)
4:15 p.m. — Head home and pick up a pizza as W has taken M to his parents’ for dinner (he finishes early on a Friday), £3.50.
5:15 p.m. — Mow the lawn, put pizza in oven and then head to collect a Vinted parcel.
6 p.m. — Eat dinner in front of the TV. We don’t let M do this so when he’s here we always sit at the table.
6:30 p.m. — Start tomorrow night’s dinner by making a marinade for the chicken.
6:45 p.m. — Start to clean out kitchen cupboards while I wait for M and W to come home. Rock and roll Friday night.
7:45 p.m. — A very tired M and fed-up W arrive home. W is in a mood as the trip didn’t go as expected and he felt the burden was on him with childcare…for his own child. Anyway, I get supper ready and start the bedtime routine.
8:15 p.m. — W is obviously feeling guilty so takes over bedtime routine. This was a mistake as M ends up going to sleep at 8.50 p.m. — far too late.
9 p.m. — W and I spend the first one-on-one time together in weeks where we aren’t annoyed at each other. Wonder if this is a sign of things to come but honestly this week has been one of emotional whiplash, going from one extreme to the other. I have no idea what is going on and don’t trust either state.
10 p.m. — Head to bed as a busy weekend planned ahead.
Total: £184.90
Food & Drink: £19.32
Clothes & Beauty: £44
Home & Health: £3.60
Entertainment: £63
Travel: £54.86
Other: £189.80
Total: £374.58
Conclusion
“I would say this week was generally a bit spendier than usual due to the 40th gifts and all the expenses. If you take that and the child benefit out, then it looks better. I know that I spend my money mostly on M and food. I don’t think I live excessively and I definitely don’t spend a lot on myself either — I feel like I can’t at the moment as there are so many outgoings and I need to build myself a safety net if my relationship is to end soon. That being said, it doesn’t mean I can’t be kind to myself in other ways. Writing this diary has made me realise how much I actually do in both work and at home (this was a slow week for volunteering) and yet I can’t seem to find much time for myself to relax and recuperate. As such I am stepping away from my volunteer work for at least a month to try and get other areas in my life into balance. In the future, I will try to give myself some time off and tell myself that I don’t have to be busy all the time. I will say that I am normally far busier with M than it shows by just looking at this week. I am not a negligent parent or an uncaring mother: I just had a week where everything came at once, meetings and events. I had less time so I ensured it was quality time and planned stuff to make up for it. I am also worried about the impact the current state of my relationship has on M. I need to make a decision that is right for us both so that I can easily look him in the eye when he gets older and explain why I either left or stayed. It is really difficult and I think the past few years have eroded my confidence as well. Hopefully I can start believing in myself more.”
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