Over time, the people we’ve held dear can move in different directions. Life throws us curveballs and sometimes the friendships we thought we’d never be without dissipate, and in some cases, explosively.
But where we’re constantly consoled through our romantic plights, the sting of a friendship breakup can hit even harder and we’re not always as open about how it impacts us. To change that, we spoke to those who’ve mourned their losses and are either still confused about what exactly went down, or thriving without their parasitic partner in crime.
From finally cutting off that toxic one-sided friendship to being ghosted by your most trusted confidante, 17 people recall the sting of their most devastating friendship breakup.
Some names have been changed for anonymity.
This article was originally published in November 2023 and has since been updated.
Hannah, 24
“My friendship with one of my closest friends came to an end when I realised she had no respect for other people’s time. She was always the friend that flaked, always showed up two hours later than you had planned and was only ever interested when she needed something from you. One time, we organised wine and cheese at my house and at lunchtime that day, I did the usual check-in to make sure she wasn’t going to flake and she confirmed she would be coming soon. I popped to the local shop to get supplies (wine and cheese) and was excited for our catch-up that night. I got home and set everything up for her to be at my place by 6 p.m.
7 o’clock came around and she hadn’t shown up, which wasn’t unusual as she was always late. By 8 o’clock I grew worried and touched base with a few friends to see if she had made contact with them. She hadn’t. Over the weekend she ignored my messages and was posting on her Instagram stories going out. On Monday she finally reached out and said she was tired that night so she had decided to go to bed instead (!!!). In that moment I knew I had to break up the friendship as it wasn’t serving me any longer.”
Lauren, 26
“Losing my best friends of almost eight years was really hard but it also taught me so much about how people come in and out of your lives for a reason. At first, all I could feel was hurt, rejection and betrayal. How could they give up on this awesome bond we had for so long? But over time, seeing them happy and living good lives, I realised I still had love for them and that I always would. Essentially, our friendship fell apart after living in a shared house together, at the same time that I was going through some pretty serious mental health issues. I realise I would’ve put a lot of pressure on them, and at the time I didn’t feel that I had their support. I moved out, and we eventually just lost touch. I still miss them, and wish the best for them.
It’s allowed me to open myself up to new people, experiences and friendships and I am happy with the people I do have in my close circle. I still regret the way things played out because I know if we had our time over, I would’ve tried harder to maintain our friendship — but seeing them happy makes me happy, and for now, that is enough for me.”
Saskia, 23
“I met this girl at Revs a few years ago (so that should’ve already been a red flag) and she was an incredibly chaotic person, which at the time I thought was fun. She would constantly put me in unsafe and uncomfortable situations, i.e. hitting on 40-year-olds and giving them our hotel address. She also had this fantastic ability to make you feel so small yet so big at the same time. The friendship was incredibly toxic. Anyway, I invited her over for a gathering with my housemates last year and instead of, I dunno, being normal, she drank half a bottle of vodka (if not more). Later on, she ended up calling my housemate a homewrecker, yelling at me and saying I was a ‘bad friend’ (laughable) and trying to hit on my housemate’s brother. Then finally, she crashed in my bed and refused to get out. After that, I stopped all contact with her and she’s still pressed about it to this day.”
Blair, 25
“I planned an impromptu holiday with someone I considered to be my best friend (at the time). I thought I knew her like the back of my hand but being with her 24/7 for a week straight made me realise that we just didn’t get along like we thought we did. She yelled at me about random things, wasn’t willing to compromise and got upset at everything I said. I needed that friendship to end but I was a coward and just ignored her for a couple of months after the trip, and in turn, ignored those feelings for another two years.
That is until I sent her a lengthy message (one of those messages on iMessage where you need to click it open) setting my boundaries and asking for space. I was met with criticism of my character and everything wrong I’d ever done in the last two years. At least it’s over I guess?”
Issy, 28
“My friend and I had been close since we were sat next to each other in Year 7 English. Even though we weren’t from the same friendship groups, we always managed to spend time together here and there and we joked about how it was irrelevant to us that we weren’t always spending time together since we were one of the few people that we knew we’d be friends with for life. A problem that has always ticked me off a little was just how obsessed he was with image and being cool. I saw him leave behind really good friends for the sake of those he saw as being ‘cooler’, which really sucked.
I understood that a lot of it was high school pressure but even after we graduated, this never changed. He was slack with plans, flaky with comms, but never when it came to an underground warehouse party of people who were ~connected~ in some way or another. I finally made the decision to bid him good riddance when I went through something pretty tough and he didn’t reach out once in support. Even when I reached out to him! Anyway, years later, he’s still desperately chasing cool and I’ve accepted that it’s more something to feel sorry for him about rather than mad.”
Mon, 31
“My best friend and I got into an argument because she didn’t like what I had planned for my 30th — a quiet restaurant dinner with 20 of our closest pals over the weekend away we had tossed around a few months back. I can’t even remember how it got so bad but we didn’t talk for six months after. She didn’t even wish me a happy birthday! The worst part is that even though we can be in the same room now, for the sake of our mutual friends, we just haven’t caught up or even talked about it since — though not for a lack of trying on my part.”
Tara, 26
“My friend and I always had so much fun together. I was always warned about her unreliable, sometimes even nasty ways but since we didn’t spend too much time together, I was happy to enjoy her company when we got the chance. It wasn’t until we fell into the same industry that I started seeing the red flags. Where she used to be a helpful confidante, she was suddenly competitive, throwing in sly jabs and backhanded comments wherever she could. Our companies were barely even competitors but she was always trying to put my work down and would even lie about her own.
I knew it came from a place of insecurity but it would hurt when she would refuse to congratulate me on any accomplishments since I was always happy to see her succeed. It got so bad that she was unbearable to be around. I feel bad because I still think there are a lot of great qualities to her, but she just pushes everyone close to her away with her cattiness.”
Charlotte, 33
“From when we were in Year 6, I counted Phoebe among my closest friends. We had our moments but always came out the other side. Until I started dating someone while she was still single. She didn’t like my girlfriend. She didn’t have a good reason for it — she thought I could do better (but I’m sure she would’ve thought that about anyone). She made me choose between them. I don’t think she expected me to choose my partner over her — but I did. While it hurt at the time, I have no regrets. Also, fuck someone that makes you do that — they are egomaniacal shitbags.”
Stacey, 22
“I had a very close friend in high school who was the kind of person who made you feel special — lengthy DMs, fun adventures and unwavering loyalty — until she got bored of you. A never-ending chain of Messenger texts slowly started to peter out, until one day she was suddenly distant and icy. We now awkwardly bump into each other at parties and sometimes exchange pleasantries, but nothing more. The worst part is that I have no idea what happened or whether I did something wrong.”
Lola, 26
“I found out my high school best friend of five years slept with my ex while he and I were together. I only found out two years after we broke up. I found out while at the tail end of an overseas holiday she and I had gone on. She was travelling for another two months when I was heading home. I took the two-month hiatus to start the breakup clean.”
Julian, 24
“Just before the first lockdown, I broke up with my best friend of four to five years. We had been living together for three of them when I decided to move back home for a bit and after his boyfriend had moved in for a year without my agreement. TL;DR: he and I didn’t get along as much as housemates and I think that was a big reason why I drifted. As lockdown hit, I drifted further from him and avoided his messages.
Nine months later, we caught up and had a much-needed yet uncomfortable conversation and he told me all of the things that bothered him about me (the way I treated other people, the way I ignored him, etc.). We’ve since tried to repair that friendship but it’s definitely not the same. We’ve hung out in person about three times and it’s always been with other friends. We used to have inside jokes and speak in our own language, now we’re acquaintances who share a funny meme with each other once in a blue moon.”
Shonda, 34
“I had to ghost an old friend from uni for my own mental sanity. We got along great and definitely had a lot in common (given we were headed into the same industry). However, it wasn’t long until I could start to sense that I was being used and manipulated. He’d often message me photos of his bank account late at night showing that he had no money to buy food or pay for medication. I’d transfer him money every time and would often then see photos pop up on Instagram Stories of him out at bars or pubs with his much cooler, rich-kid uni friends. He’d also call me constantly to detail his suicidal ideation (which, as a friend and someone who has multiple mental health struggles, I was obviously open to helping him with as much as I could). When I’d suggest councillors/psychs he’d then ask for money again (which I would always give). He would ignore my boyfriend every time we’d be hanging out on campus together, and would only respond to him if he said something which he deemed to be ‘stupid’ or ‘incorrect’ in really uncomfortable ways.
I also bought both of us tickets to see Lana Del Rey together for his birthday and he cancelled on me an HOUR before I left home. I was honestly so gutted that I didn’t even end up going (and I am a massive LDR stan). He would message me constantly throughout the day to bitch about people and things and was just an overall negative force. I also don’t think he asked me a single question about myself or how I was going the entire time we were friends.
He eventually had to leave the city to get a job elsewhere. When he came back some months later, we organised to catch up. He changed the time we were supposed to meet three times before it happened, and I accepted it all. When I got to the organised bar I bought us both a cocktail while he spoke at length about himself (again, of course) and then after about 20 minutes he said he had to leave because he was going on a date with some random guy who he’d messaged on Tinder that morning. I haven’t made plans to see him since but he still randomly messages me/likes my tweets here and there nowadays. It was hard to break the friendship because I think we genuinely did vibe (and I hate not having people around), but I think he was just way too caught up in himself to be self-aware enough to realise what he was doing. I was six years younger than him, too, so I think he thought I was probably easy to take advantage of, TBH.”
Hattie, 26
“It’s an all-too common story of toxic, one-sided friendships. We were practically family, especially during weird transitional periods of our lives like right after high school when we were a bit lost and going through the motions. I always knew she was a bit of a mess but I (and everyone around her) always shrugged it off as a quirky characteristic. She was always borrowing money but never generous in any way whatsoever, and the consensus with every one of her other friends was that all she cared about was her boy drama and she was never interested in anything going on in my life unless it was about, you guessed it, boys.
She could also NEVER take any constructive criticism. She had been fired from every job she’d ever had and it was hard to not be honest with her that no, she wasn’t just misunderstood and that she should’ve been fired for consistently showing up hungover or straight-up not showing up to shifts. When I realised that she was not just a mess but a bad friend was when I found out that she had actively contributed to some pretty nasty rumours about me. Sometimes, you’ve just got to trust your gut. And fuck those people who say you fight and can deal with being treated badly because you’re like ‘sisters’. ”
Laura, 28
“I recently broke up with one of my best friends. She was my go-to girl since uni and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. However, over the past year she kept making decisions that were unkind. She was going through a tough time personally so I kept on attributing it to that.
We grew apart slightly but were still part of a wider close friendship group. But recently we all met up and she slept with the brother of one of our friends and then revealed she had been cheating on her husband for months with someone from work. Someone who also had a long-term girlfriend. I felt like an accomplice to the affair and hated being put in that position so I made the decision that I didn’t want to be in a friendship with someone who could do that to another person. The friendship felt toxic to me and while we didn’t have a big blow-out, we have since broken all contact.”
Phoebe, 30
“There are two notable friendships that ended. The first was awful. My friend spent all my holiday funds, which we placed in a joint travel account, on horse race bets the week before we left on a trip to travel down the length of Italy and then to Greece. We got there and she told me that I had to repay my entire half for the hotels. And she unfortunately didn’t have enough so I paid her share, too. We were 19 so luckily I had some student loan to use, though it was never intended for this. She in total bought €120 for a two-week trip over two countries. She couldn’t pay for food so I basically ended up as a reluctant sugar mummy vibe. It was awkward as hell and we both cried on the plane on the way home. Never spoke again.
The other friendship ended because I felt I had to ghost her at the time (I now realise, with a bit of growing up, that I should have talked to her more and set boundaries). Every conversation would begin with a monologue of how she hated her boyfriend and was going to break up with him; then they got engaged and the cycle would continue. I ghosted, felt dreadful, saw she called off the engagement a year later and was so happy for her. We only crossed paths once again when my dad was in hospital and she was a nurse on another ward and would go and check up on him when we weren’t allowed to visit due to visiting hours. I will be forever grateful that even after our friendship ended, she did that for me and my family.”
Rebecca, 27
“My best friend of eight years and I broke up because we planned a girly work holiday to work from home in cute cafes in a European city. She decided later on to take it as annual leave and plan multiple dates each day, changing her Tinder and Hinge location to that country a few weeks before we went. I came down with the flu the day before we were due to leave and decided to not go on the holiday. I think I got ill out of pure stress. The panic I was having about being by myself all day, every day while she was on dates, and also worrying about my safety in our shared room. I think it caused my immune system to lower!
When I told her, she was fuming. She showed up at my house to collect the bags of shopping we’d purchased the week before for the holiday. She didn’t even knock, just told me to open my car door to get her bags, then drove off. She also insinuated that I was lying about being ill. I never spoke to her again. She kept one of my tops, which I still think about! If something romantic had happened organically for her while we’d been out there, I’d have been so happy for her but to consciously turn our innocent, girly work trip into several dates a day, ditching me in a city I didn’t know, was not okay.”
Rhiannon, 28
“We were friends for 10 years but had been drifting apart for the last two of those. Our lives were taking different directions. She met someone, bought a house, got engaged… I wasn’t doing those things. Then I had a job interview at her workplace (we’re both teachers but different subjects) and she said she didn’t want to work in the same place as me. She said she would find it difficult being around me every day. I didn’t get the job and I just wanted to keep the peace so didn’t say anything because we had Taylor Swift Eras tour tickets together, but she wanted to talk it out. We spoke on the phone a couple of months later and agreed to go our separate ways. She was the one who booked the tickets so I said, ‘Look, ultimately you’ve got the power over these tickets, so you can either refund me my ticket or I can buy yours off you.’ The next day she texted me, ‘I’ve sent you back the money for the Taylor Swift tickets, no need to reply.’ We haven’t spoken since. I was also uninvited from her wedding but honestly I was more upset about Taylor Swift. Three days before the concert I managed to get tickets for the same night in better seats, so it all worked out I guess.”
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