Warning: This diary details infant illness and surgery.
This week: “I’m a 34-year-old marketing professional, currently on maternity leave with my second child. Last year I accepted a new role for a different brand within the same big global company I have been with for nearly a decade. It’s been a really challenging role and I’ve not enjoyed it as it’s a very broken brand and requires a lot of work. The overall company has an amazing culture, good pay, six months full pay on maternity leave, flexible working, a wellbeing allowance of £200 a month to spend on massages, and a good pension. Despite this overall culture, the specific brand I work for doesn’t live and breathe the same values and I had a very stressful pregnancy. Now I’m on maternity leave with a very poorly baby and I can’t help but feel the two are linked.
I live in Hampshire with my husband and children, having moved here for the good links to London where we both hybrid work. My husband and I met at university and have been together for nearly 15 years. Despite having very different upbringings, we have always been aligned on our financial goals and pool all our finances. I had a privileged upbringing in that my parents helped me understand the value of education and working hard and they earned enough money for us to go on holiday every year. However, a lot changed when my dad got poorly and then passed away. When he died it was pivotal to my outlook on life and money. I believe strongly that I work to live and money is to be spent on experiences but at the same time I understand that financial security can go quickly and that it’s important not to get complacent. I strive to balance those two aspects and with a poorly child in hospital, I’m reminded of how complex that balance is to achieve.”
Occupation: Head of marketing
Industry: Hospitality
Age: 34
Location: Hampshire
Salary: £95,000
Paycheque amount: £5,400
Number of housemates: Three: my husband (M) and two children (C and S).
Pronouns: She/her
Monthly Expenses
Housing costs: £1,750 mortgage (includes overpayment).
Loan payments: None.
Savings? £80,000 and shares of £18,000.
Pension? Yes. I follow the principle that every time I get a pay rise, I increase my pension by 1%. At my current job I negotiated a higher pension contribution from my employer — they put in 11% if I put in 7% — but I’ve increased my contributions to 11% too.
Utilities: £125 bills, £35 water, £157 council tax.
All other monthly payments: £700 childcare, £219 car lease, £17 internet, £60 cleaner, £30 dog walker, £38 gym. Subscriptions: £26 contact lenses, £17 Spotify Family, £9 Netflix, £7 Audible, £7.99 Disney+, £50 charity (matched by my employer).
Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes, I went to university. My parents divorced when I was young and the child benefit was put to one side for my tuition fees. My dad unfortunately got a terminal illness before I went to university and my mother emigrated and lost contact with us so I was able to get grants at university for living costs. I worked throughout my university degree, doing 25 hours a week as a marketing assistant, and graduated with £15,000 in debt that I’ve subsequently paid off through my salary contributions.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money?
My parents never spoke about money growing up. I was never allowed any pocket money and rarely had my own money until I got a job at 16. My mum’s love language was gifting and so she would buy us expensive items but would never let me have any of my own money to leave the house. As an adult I understand that this was very controlling. When I was 17, my dad got poorly and gave up his job. This is when my financial education started. He cashed in his pension and became very frugal as he wasn’t sure how long he was going to live. He wanted us to be safe with our money as we would no longer have a safety net of him looking after us. We would barter at markets for vegetables and knew the value of work and money.
If you have, when did you move out of your parents’/guardians’ house?
When I was 18, I moved for university. My dad always jokingly said he had a no-returns policy.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself? Does anyone else cover any aspects of your financial life?
When I graduated at 22 years old, although I’m married now and share finances with my husband, who earns a lot more than me.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
I worked as a sales assistant in House of Fraser when I was 16. My best friend worked there and introduced me to the manager to help me get the job. My parents never gave me any pocket money and used it as a way to control me so I couldn’t go out with my friends and could only study. I really enjoyed the freedom that came with earning money and since then I have never been unemployed.
Do you worry about money now?
This is a difficult question. I don’t worry about money in the sense that I have a high income with low living costs. But having seen how quickly life can change with my dad, I’m constantly financially planning for the future, which I think is a type of worrying. I prioritise paying my mortgage and having a good pension pot.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income?
My dad passed away when I was 22 and left me £60,000 from the sale of our family home. I had to wait until I was 25 for this inheritance and I used it as a deposit against my first house with my now husband.
8:15 a.m. — I gave birth to my second baby three months ago; two weeks postpartum, we found out he has a heart defect. He is currently in intensive care and yesterday he was put on an ECMO (an external heart machine). This is his third visit to hospital to fix the defect and I hope it’s our final operation, but it’s a very big one. I arrive at the ward early so I can see the night shift nurse and hear how baby has done. When the shift changeover happens, I eavesdrop on the plan for the day and then leave them to it as they check over baby. I never know when I’ll be able to leave again so I take advantage and grab a coffee with my husband, M. I buy a cappuccino for myself and a latte for M and make sure I always scan my Costa app to collect freebies, £7.90.
2:30 p.m. — My baby came off life support yesterday and they kept his chest open in case he needed more care. They need time to stitch him up and close the entire intensive care unit so we take advantage and leave the hospital grounds. We go to Yo! Sushi, thinking it will be a fast option outside the hospital, but it is heaving. We enjoy unlimited miso soup and a big bowl of teriyaki chicken with sushi on the side. The miso soup is so comforting and feels like it heals a bit of my heart. I sign up to the loyalty scheme while I wait for the bill and get £5 off, £24.70.
3 p.m. — Decide to treat myself to some sheet masks to try and distract myself in the evenings and unwind. Plus Superdrug is doing three for two, £12.99.
4 p.m. — Pay for parking. It’s not too far from the hospital but it feels like a million miles at the same time, £3.60.
7 p.m. — I get bored of scrolling my phone while sitting next to baby in intensive care. I walk down to WHSmith and buy a sudoku book. Annoyingly I don’t have a pen so I have to buy one, £7.98 total. I feel guilty about the cost as I could just download a free app but I’m desperate for some screen-free time. I do two sudokus and realise how out of practice I am and how filled with fog my brain is.
10 p.m. — We stay with baby until the nurses do their nighttime handover and we hear the doctors’ ward rounds so we can hear how baby is doing. I’ve learned so much about biology since this happened and all my marketing knowledge feels like a distant memory.
10:30 p.m. — We head back to our Ronald McDonald room. It’s a charity that has Travelodge-like hotel rooms on the hospital grounds, with the aim to keep families together while children are under hospital care. It’s free for parents to stay but there is a recommended donation of £25, which we happily give. We feel so grateful for this private space in a time of such sadness. I never realised what the charity really did.
Total: £82.17
8:15 a.m. — Go for our usual coffee as M and I talk about how our baby did overnight, £7.90. He suffered a stroke as a complication of his surgery and we feel so sad that he’s going to have lasting damage from his operation, with his left side completely paralysed. Every time he has a 1% chance of a complication, he gets it, and we feel helpless. I feel like I’m tumbling down a hill trying to get my baby back.
2 p.m. — I have been crocheting some mittens and a tiny teddy next to my baby’s bed, as a form of mindfulness. My baby’s doctor comes round to check up on him but he’s the sort of person who just says a few words and leaves. He looks at me nostalgically and muses about how his mother used to knit him alpaca wool socks, so I decide to knit him some as a thank you for healing my baby. I drive to Hobby Craft to get supplies. It’s more expensive than I had hoped and I feel nervous that my craft skills aren’t good enough for gifts but feel good about the intention, £43.60.
2:30 p.m. — I swing by McDonald’s drive-thru on the way back to the hospital and get nine chicken nuggets with fries, a drink with a sweet chilli dip and a Big Mac meal for M, £15. M takes a phone call during lunch as he’s juggling working and being at the hospital so I eat in silence. I normally love to eat with people and get real joy from food but now it feels like unnecessary time away from baby so hunger just feels like brain fog.
6 p.m. — The physio comes round and gives us tips to help rehabilitate our baby from his stroke. We buy some toys off Amazon to help, £48. We get rattles for his paralysed side, a mirror, and some toys to hang off his car seat, all in the hope of getting his left side moving again. I make a mental note to add him to my work health insurance so I can make claims in the future for any appointments he might need. I’m really lucky that there’s no excess and I don’t need to disclose medical history.
Total: £114.50
8:15 a.m. — We get our usual coffee at Costa and despite having five free coffees in my app, I decide to pay for them, £7.90. I realise this means I’ve bought 50 coffees while I’ve been at hospital and it makes me feel guilty but I feel like a free coffee needs to be saved for a good day. My baby was stable overnight but is showing signs of an infection and we’re not sure where. We feel hopeful it’s a one-off as he seemed stable when we saw him.
2 p.m. — We find out our baby has a serious stomach infection and is nil by mouth now. I feel so sad that he keeps getting more and more illnesses. I leave the ward and look round the shops in the hospital, just to do something else for once. I buy his nurses those amazing chocolate round biscuits from M&S and some of those sharing tubs. I make sure to scan my app but I don’t see much value from it, £7.50.
3 p.m. — Decide to use an Audible credit for Fourth Wing. My sister recommended it as some escapism while I’m here but within the first few minutes it seems a little young for me. I decide to bear with it as I can expense Audible through my work as part of our monthly personal allowance. I feel very fortunate for this benefit.
4 p.m. — Our nurse gives us a £15 M&S voucher, which a charity leaves for each parent in intensive care to get themselves a treat. I feel guilty as I know I can afford my own food but I don’t want the money to go to waste either. I get myself a nutty wholegrain salad, a fizzy water and some watermelon and grab M a pasta salad and a peanut butter bar with a Diet Coke. I appreciate the healthy food as I feel I haven’t eaten a vegetable since I’ve been here.
Total: £15.40
8:15 a.m. — My usual coffee at Costa with M to debrief from the night, £7.90. Baby is doing better now his stomach is being sorted. His chest drains are coming out and discussions are happening about him coming off the ventilator. I feel excited that I could hold him again soon.
11 a.m. — We have to renew our hospital parking. We get a 50% discount as we’re parents of a child who has to be here. The cost is £22 for a two-week pass. I like to buy for an extra week in the hope that we will be home sooner. I hate having to renew it as it’s a reminder that we’re still not home.
3 p.m. — I haven’t eaten yet so we decide to eat in the hospital Subway. I get a foot-long Tex Mex sub. I love Subway as it feels vaguely fresh but I am surprised at how much two cost (I buy M a Big Meat Tasty foot-long, too), £15. I open my app hoping there’s a discount but no luck this time. We each wolf down the whole sandwich as we don’t like to leave the ward for food and know we won’t eat again for a while.
6 p.m. — Get some Fruit Pastilles from WHSmith as I was getting cabin fever being alone by my baby’s bed, £1.19. I resent the cost as I know I could get four packs for the same price from a supermarket.
7 p.m. — Go for a short walk round the hospital and smile to myself at a poster above an unattended bed that says “no beds to be left unattended”.
Total: £46.09
8.15 a.m. — I go to M&S to buy some treats for my favourite nighttime nurse, £12.80. She’s looked after our baby for three nights running and also looked after him in an earlier admission six weeks ago. She’s the right level of bubbly and caring.
8:30 a.m. — When we go back to the ward to give her the treats we catch her building a makeshift tent over my baby’s head so they can shield the light for him to sleep. It is so sweet and an example of the level of care she’s been giving him. I feel sad that it was her last night shift last night but happy that she is going to get a rest after some busy nights. She asks me to share progress pics to her work email once we leave and I promise I will. We go for our usual coffee once she leaves and M and I talk about how much we love our nurse, £7.90.
9 a.m. — Our baby is still on the ventilator as his diaphragm is now paralysed on one side so we won’t be getting cuddles today. We decide to drive home to see our other child, C, for a few hours; it’s 50 miles away as we’re at a specialist hospital, not our local. The grandparents have been looking after him and we really miss him as he brings us so much joy. We fill up the car at a really expensive motorway services as we don’t want to waste time finding somewhere cheaper, £68. Fortunately the traffic is okay and it is only a two-hour round trip.
11 a.m. — When we get home, we walk as a family to the supermarket to get some treats to eat. I get my boy a gingerbread man and four pizzas for everyone else, alongside some wine and beers. Safe to say the hospital doesn’t sell alcohol! I opt for a fresh mascarpone and ham pizza, and the others pick their favourite frozen pizzas. It is nice to cook in my own kitchen again, even if it is just pizza, £48.
11.30 a.m. — We take our child to a toy shop to treat him to a new toy. We’ve felt guilty not being around him while our baby is in hospital and he’s been such a good boy for his grandparents. He wants a crane truck but we’ve been saving that for potty training so we get him some jumbo bubbles and a lorry, £18.99. We spend the afternoon in the garden playing with both of them and it heals us a little bit, despite missing our baby deeply.
1 p.m. — We decide to head back to the hospital after a few hours as we feel guilty not being there. C is happy to stay at home with his grandparents so we give him a huge hug goodbye. I feel so grateful that he loves being with his grandparents and that they’re able to look after him. I don’t know what I would do without them.
5 p.m. — We spend the day and early evening at the hospital just watching baby to see if he progresses at all. We can’t see any symptoms of this stomach infection he has so we feel hopeful the antibiotics are working.
Total: £155.69
7 a.m. — We get £288 back into our accounts from our travel insurance paying out as we’ve cancelled our holiday to Disneyland. I booked this when I was pregnant, to go before our eldest turns three (i.e. while he’s free), but baby isn’t healthy enough for holidays this year. I went through the lengthy process of getting all the documents for a refund and I’m a little disappointed that after all the deductibles we only get £288 back.
8:15 a.m. — Get coffee just after the nurses’ handover, £7.90. We no longer have our favourite nurse on shift so we ask lots of questions about how he did overnight. We really hope he’s coming off the ventilator today, and we enjoy our coffees feeling hopeful.
10:30 a.m. — I top up my National Lottery account on the app with £15 as I wait for doctors’ rounds. I don’t normally buy tickets but with our baby being so poorly we’ve had such bad luck that I feel it has to change soon. I’ve been buying a ticket every day that we’ve been here. I’ve become very superstitious since starting this and I feel like if I see one magpie, it’ll mean I won’t win the lottery rather than my baby being even more poorly.
7 p.m. — We celebrate baby coming off the ventilator and I enjoy my first cuddle in 10 days and he smiles in my arms. I bawl my eyes out at this special moment.
9 p.m. — We get Franco Manca delivered to our Ronald McDonald room, £29.99. We devour our pizzas, even though they never arrive cut into slices. I get a pepperoni with balsamic onions and chilli oil and M goes for a plain pepperoni. We gulp down a large glass of wine in the hope that we’re on the up with baby.
Total: £52.89
8:15 a.m. —We debrief on baby’s progress over our ritual coffee, £7.90.
9 a.m. — Baby is doing well and waiting for a bed on the ward and out of intensive care. All the nurses were around his bed when we came in as he was smiling and cooing at them. We feel like proud parents watching how he’s finally doing better and we can start to show his happy character off to everyone. I’m so looking forward to finally showing him off to the world when we get home.
9:30 a.m. — I design some thank you cards online with a picture of baby to send each of the nurses that helped look after him. I feel I might jinx it but I know I’ll be grateful to have them ready for when we’re home, £29.99.
11:30 a.m. — There’s an M&S in the hospital so I get a click and collect for some new baby clothes. I like the idea of having a new going-home outfit, like when he was first born, and buy some smart knitted trousers and jumper. We’re not going home for a while but I like to have things organised, £49.99.
12 p.m. — It’s my eldest’s birthday in two weeks’ time and I’ve felt like all my focus has been on my youngest so I start to buy some presents for him and check when my family might be free for a get-together. I buy him a Toniebox for £79.99 and scroll my phone for reviews of stories that he may like. I add smaller items to a Pinterest board so his uncle and aunts can get items he’ll enjoy. I remind them that Facebook Marketplace is a great place for discounts and not to feel like they need to buy anything brand-new.
3.30 p.m. — Finally fork out for our annual car insurance policy, £625. I did go for another company but they refunded it after I didn’t download the app as I never realised it was a stipulation and I don’t have the mental capacity for jumping through hoops. I go via a price comparison site and hate that I’m still paying for M’s speeding ticket four years later. We get European car insurance in a hope that I might get to drive over and show the baby off to my family who live in Europe at some point.
Total: £792.87
“I never realised how expensive living at a hospital would be. Although we weren’t watching the pennies, we only ate around once a day and I feel sad that for many people, a poorly child could bankrupt them. I have spoken to so many parents who are struggling or have even had to give up work to be with their children in hospital. Once we’re out of this, we are hoping to give a big donation to help other parents as we’ve felt very fortunate despite going through hell and back again. Reading this back, it’s made me realise the progress of baby too. Each day feels so slow and that he’s not getting any better, but he is, and I feel so proud of his strength in healing.
I know that when we leave hospital, we will spend a lot of money just enjoying life. It’s hell seeing your baby nearly die multiple times and it’s reminded me that life is for living, not for saving money, so I’m dreaming about small breaks we can do as a family.”
Update
“After four weeks in hospital, baby came home on a feeding tube and a morphine withdrawal plan. Neither is for the fainthearted! He’s doing really well now, a smiley, chunky boy and his left side is wiggling despite the stroke. We got sad news his heart is deteriorating again; he’ll need another surgery and knowing we’ll have to go through it all again is scary. In the meantime, we’re just enjoying quiet family life together and feeling so grateful that we were one of the families that made it home together.”
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