This feels like a lot of work, to find someone now and put in the effort for a relationship that will probably end with the change in seasons. Some research has put it down to a desire to avoid feeling lonely — as many as 60% of people turn to dating apps in winter for this reason. Where summer can be socially full-on and active, the prospect of an emptier calendar during winter might make swiping for dates more attractive. Bumble found in September this year that 37% of people see autumn as the season of romance, with Gen Z in particular keen to find love this cuffing season. 44% of people on the app are seeking something serious and committed this winter.
Like all relationships, some end horribly, others are over as quickly as they began and some manage to go the distance, like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. Ahead, Refinery29 spoke to five women about their own cuffing season relationships — how they went, how they ended (or didn’t), and how they felt about it.
I entered into a cuffing season relationship three to four months after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. We talked for half of September, started seeing each other at the end of September, and went on dates until the end of November. We were intimate and I really liked the guy, although I thought things were too good to be true.
I eventually went to look him up on social media at the end of October and saw he was anti-immigration, slightly MAGA [Make America Great Again] and very incel-leaning (at least his Twitter likes were). I had made my politics very clear. I am very liberal and was actively outspoken at the time about Palestine and leftist ideals. It was so weird to see [his online activity] and I showed a bunch of my friends to make sure I wasn’t crazy.
Before I got to break up with him, he reached out and said he just wanted to be friends. He contacts me every so often with memes about my profession, and now he has become my seafood hookup (he works at a seafood market and whenever I want expensive seafood like scallops and oysters for free, I text him and he brings it to me. Nothing sexual there, he just hooks me up with free seafood!). Honestly, he was a rebound who should have never happened. I deleted the apps soon after that because I centred my interests towards engaging in my weekly therapy sessions.
My last cuffing season relationship was hot and heavy. It started at the beginning of January and ended in February. We got snowed in together and he made an effort to Uber or Lyft back to my house if he had to go into work. He would cook every day. And we would lie around and watch movies and talk until bedtime. I didn’t think it was going to be temporary. I thought we were on the same page.
Unfortunately, after the snow melted, the relationship also became a puddle. I tried to keep it going but the communication became almost nonexistent and I just had to block him, move on, and let it go.
I dated someone for four months who categorically did not fancy me. I don’t think I really fancied him either. We met in September and in January he dumped me over text as soon as my plane landed back from Christmas break. New year, new him, I guess. I think I knew deep down there wasn’t attraction — we barely connected physically and I told myself he was just shy and my self-esteem was low. It was low, but going out with someone who isn’t attracted to you will do that.
I realise now this was the end result of a “year of dating” I put myself through. I pressured myself to put in more time and effort and go on more dates, and by September I was exhausted and the nights were drawing in. So the first person who consistently asked me out on dates (and was not cheating on someone with me, or another such horror story), I just leapt at. We did all the seasonal winter stuff as he’d just moved to London, but I wish I’d spent more time doing that with my friends. I realised that a year on dating apps had set my bar so low that someone consistently asking me on the next date had become incredibly impressive.
This season I feel just as burned out by dating if I am honest, but I realise going out with someone who doesn’t like me is not the answer to that. I’ve joined a stand-up comedy course instead.
Last week my friend informed me she “doesn’t date from October to April, it’s just too cold” and honestly? I might join her.
My cuffing season story goes back 10 years. We met doing a casual security stint at a comedy festival. Our relationship ended up lasting for a couple of years, on and off. Sometimes I’d get random calls saying, “Guess who this is?” after a break.
He’d tell me I was very beautiful but that I was too old for him, especially in his Indian culture where this was frowned upon. I’m unsure if that was to placate me but he did find me attractive. We’d hook up at my place. Once it even happened at a work site!
I got into this relationship knowing it was temporary. I wasn’t fussed at all. We both knew that. Long term would have been too complicated. And that casualness wouldn’t work on me these days. My standards are much higher! The casualness worked at the time. Also, at the time it gave me confidence and boosted my self-esteem. Much later down the line though, when we were both married, he gave me a call. This annoyed me; it was as if he was expecting me to be alone, and I thought it a betrayal of his wife.
I ended up getting in a cuffing season relationship two years ago with someone who turned out to be the love of my life and we’re planning on being engaged soon. It was my most successful cuffing season of all time!
We originally met in undergrad at the University of Pittsburgh. His best friend and I were friends so we crossed paths but we never had any conversations or expressed interest in each other. A couple years went by and we graduated. During the pandemic, a large group of our friends would finish work together on Zoom every night (about 30 people) and we joined in. He and I started talking on the side. We had a really long talking phase for months during cuffing season where neither of us said anything or even made the first move but you could tell we were clearly interested in seeing where it went. We just didn’t know if we were going to see each other since he was in Kansas and I was in Virginia, so no one attached any hopes to the situation. Even when he asked me on our first date, he said, “Hey, I’m coming to DC to see a couple friends, would you like to meet up?” and I had to ask if it was a date to clarify. But once we went on the first date, it was game over. We’ve been together ever since.
Everyone says when you know, you know, and it’s very true. He asked to meet my parents the weekend of our first date, and a few weeks later he asked me to meet his. I think it was easier for us to jump in because our talking phase was so long that we had a chance to really know each other and vet the person first before jumping into a physical date.
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Are You Ready For Cuffing Season?