This week: “I’m a 35-year-old part-time disability advisor at a university in Brighton, where I live in a rented flat with my partner.
When I turned 30 I became inspired by the ‘girl boss’ movement (Sophia Amoruso has a lot to answer for) and decided to ditch my nine-to-five to start a ceramics business. In three years I spent nearly all the savings I had accrued in my 20s, worked out that I was actually a terrible ceramicist and awful at running my own business, so I jacked it in.
Thankfully I managed to pick up a part-time job in my field of interest that just about covers all my living costs. After spending a year applying for millions of full-time jobs and barely getting an interview, I decided to go back to school and get the psychology degree that I should have started when I was 18 so that I can progress in this field. As universities were strangely not interested in my A-level grade D in drama, I had to complete a university access course this year, which was called off when COVID hit but I will be receiving a calculated grade instead so my university dreams haven’t been shattered.
Becoming a mature student in the current climate feels risky. With a recession on the horizon, minimal savings, microscopic pension, no assets and not being in a position to enter the full-time workplace again until I’m 38, it’s safe to say I’m quite worried about the future. I have always been scared of money, which on the one hand is a good thing because I’ve never been in any debt but on the flip side, my credit rating is abysmal because I’m petrified of credit cards. If I could keep all my money where I can see it, I would.
I try to keep my spending low as I’m squirrelling away any extra money into my savings for when I’m at uni as I don’t know how long I’ll be able to carry on with my job. I buy most of my clothes secondhand on eBay and before lockdown would try to say ‘no’ more than ‘yes’ to socials with friends to save money. I’ve definitely sacrificed a lot of fun over the past few years and am secretly a little glad that lockdown = no FOMO.”
Occupation: Disability advisor
Industry: Higher education
Age: 35
Location: Brighton
Salary: £11,500
Paycheque amount: About £900 but I sometimes pick up extra work to top this up, which can be anywhere from £100 to £600 per month. This includes paying £40 per month into my work pension scheme which I can’t always afford on a lean month but I have pension fear so make it work.
Number of housemates: One, my partner (B)
Monthly Expenses
Housing costs: £875 rent per month split between us.
Loan payments: £0
Utilities: I pay £956 into our joint Monzo account to cover our joint outgoings for the month. Council tax £127, water £23.49, electricity £100, internet £22.95.
Transportation: £30 to our car pot on Monzo each month to go towards insurance, MOT, parking permit etc. B pays a bit more as he uses the car for work, and he usually covers all the petrol.
Phone bill: £28
Savings? £2,800 but a big chunk of that is paying for my final tax bill. I was self-employed until recently and can’t wait to see the back of my tax return. Any money I have left over after all my outgoings goes into my savings, which varies month to month depending on how much extra work I’ve picked up.
Other: Spotify £9.99, Netflix £8.99 (split between us). Photoshop £9.99 per month (I definitely do not use it often enough to justify it). I have been putting £50 into a ‘fun’ pot on my personal Monzo each month since lockdown started to set aside some cash to treat myself when real life resumes.
8am: It’s my last day off work after taking annual leave and I wake up with no alarm which is just the best feeling. B, however, is facing his first day at work for three months and is waking up late. Great start! Nudge him awake, stay in bed while he flaps around in a rush. Message a friend (R) to firm up the details for our dog walk this morning, trying to work out if she can give me a lift in her car by adding up how many households we’ve had contact with recently. I’ll be honest – at this stage I am completely lost on the lockdown rules. I keenly followed all the updates at the start but the regulations seem to be changed or updated so frequently now that I’m a bit fatigued by it all. I offer to wear a mask and bathe in hand sanitiser but also offer to get the bus if she would prefer. R’s totally fine with driving and we agree that she’ll pick me up at 10.
10am: It’s rainy and overcast, perfect muddy walking weather. I roll around in bed for another half an hour before scrounging up some breakfast from our woefully empty kitchen: toast from the last slice of bread in the freezer and tea using the final dribble of milk. We’ve started weekly shopping for the first time ever thanks to the pandemic – a habit we can hopefully stick to in the long term – but we’re overdue a shop this week so this miserly breakfast will have to do for now. Grab an apple and fill up my reusable water bottle for the walk.
12.30pm: After spending a couple of hours in the woods with R and her excitable puppy, putting the world to rights and doing a lockdown deep dive, I’m starving. Get changed out of my walking boots and muddy jeans covered in puppy paw prints and head down to Waitrose, my (unfortunately) nearest supermarket on foot. ‘Unfortunately’ because I have never been able to spend less than £10 in one trip, no matter what I go in for. For my final day off I plan to huddle indoors away from the rain with tea, soup, popcorn and biscuits, watching movies under a blanket. I signed up for a free trial of Mubi a few days ago so I can absorb myself in some delicious arthouse cinema. Can’t. Wait. I don my mask and join the relatively short queue – a process which is becoming weirdly normal – and pick up some essentials to tide us over until the big shop. £9.52. Pay for it on my card rather than the joint card as I’ll be mostly consuming this shop.
2.45pm: My day isn’t panning out as I had planned, I ended up falling asleep while watching a Sex and the City episode for about the 5,000th time. This was not the artsy experience I envisaged. Wake up groggy and sad that my last day off is slipping by. Make tea, eat some cake and watch The Truman Show on Netflix, another film that I have seen many, many times. Not feeling in the right headspace for concentrating on new things. Get antsy halfway through the film and start tidying up the flat, making my ‘office’ (aka a desk in our bedroom) ready for work tomorrow, taking out some recycling and clearing away the random clutter that seems to accumulate every few days.
6.15pm: A couple of friends pop by to drop off a belated birthday present. I have seen more of my friends today than I have in the past two weeks. We do a quick debrief before they come in to make sure everyone is comfortable with the arrangement (oh hello new normal). A bottle of wine and a new houseplant, they know me so well! We catch up, standing about two metres apart from each other in my living room, with no exciting news to share other than some mundane domestic tales. At least we’re all in the same boat.
7pm: B returns home from his first day back at work, we settle in for a standard quiet evening of dinner (Moroccan chicken and vegetable stew with brown rice) and mooching around the flat. I do a bit more tidying and get into organising some notes from the college course I had completed 70% of when COVID hit. It’s nice reading back through them all and remembering how much progress I was making. We’re going to get a calculated grade from the course so all is not lost, but I really miss the process of structured learning.
10.30pm: Head to bed with a book for a wholesome early night, end up playing a bubble blast game on my phone for 45 minutes. Fail.
Total: £9.52
8am: Back to work today so get up, shower and make porridge with peanut butter, banana and honey. B makes me a coffee and thus completes my rocket fuel breakfast: the perfect combination of caffeine, protein and slow-release energy. Feel like I can take on the world.
9am: Sign into work online server and await instructions. This is my temping day which means I’ll have a long list of data checks to complete. It’s not the most exciting work in the world but usually I just stick some wordless music on and plough through.
9.45am: Have a Zoom debrief about today’s tasks; today I’ll be data checking with someone else over video call, which means no music. Can sense it will be a long day and am glad for my breakfast foresight.
1pm: Lunch break. Absolutely starving as I didn’t have a usual mid-morning snack so wolf down the remains of the popcorn I bought for my failed cosy day yesterday while heating up the other half of yesterday’s pot of soup. Eat this with some crusty bread and cream cheese also left over from yesterday. A thrifty lunch. This is an intense working day and requires a lot of concentration. B isn’t at work today as he’s being phased back in part-time and as I’ve been on a video call all morning he’s had to do some amusing darting in and out of the bedroom to get changed/find his phone charger etc, which has been slightly distracting. Make tea and grab some chocolate biscuits and an apple to see me through the afternoon.
4.30pm: B returns home from the weekly shop. He usually gets to show off all the amazing deals he’s found but I’m up to my eyes in data. See the Monzo payment notification for the joint card and notice it’s about £15 less than in previous weeks, which is a relief. I feel like we’ve been making it rain in Tesco lately. £28.07 for my half.
5.30pm: Finally finish work and am in a foul mood. That’s what a day reeling off numbers in your bedroom will do to you. Take myself out for a walk to shake off the day. Stick a Brené Brown podcast on and feel immediately nourished. Have a word with myself on the walk: this is just temp work, it doesn’t define you, be grateful that you have work at the moment etc. Wish I could have been furloughed so that I could have three months off pretending to learn Spanish and working my way through Netflix. I’m being glib – I know that furlough is not a great option either, but the lockdown grass is always greener. It can sometimes feel demoralising as a 35-year-old to not be where I think I should be in my career. Days like today seem to strike this nerve and give me the chance to beat myself up about the life choices I’ve made in the past. But it is what it is, and I know that I can’t do anything about it now.
6.30pm: Get home in a slightly better mood. Write down a few of the thoughts I had on my walk in my journal – I find that this really helps me to process things and is useful to look back on to notice the negative thought traps I set for myself. B reheats the leftover chicken stew from yesterday and we settle in with a Queer Eye episode, the perfect comfort telly.
11pm: Bedtime. Another evening spent scrolling into Instagram oblivion, but also managed to look up a few psychology research papers that are in my area of interest. It’s all about balance.
Total: £28.07
8am: Another work day but this time it’s my actual job which I really like doing so am looking forward to it. Shower, get dressed, make another rocket fuel breakfast. I haven’t blow-dried my hair for the past few months and have trimmed down my makeup to just foundation and eyebrows. It’s amazing how much time is saved by cutting out a few steps in the morning. Put on some lipstick as it’s Friday, even though this means absolutely nothing at the moment.
9.05am: Log onto my emails and am pleasantly surprised by the amount in my inbox considering that I haven’t been in work for over a week. Get to work clearing them and catch up with my colleagues over instant message. I say colleagues but they are also some of my closest friends, which I feel so incredibly lucky for. I really miss the little things about working in an office – the morning tea round, the catch-ups and hugs when you’ve been off for a week, showing off the new shoes you bought on your lunch break…
11.45am: Inbox cleared and team meeting attended, it’s time to crack on with the to-do list. Start feeling peckish, an awkward time as it’s so nearly lunch. Have a slice of toast to tide me over. Start doing some research into the language surrounding disability for some training that I want to put together for the team and come across a 25-year-old vlogger called Molly Burke who is blind. She is really fun and engaging, and gives a great breakdown of why she finds the erasure of the word ‘disability’ harmful. I find the best information about disability comes directly from disabled people on YouTube or Instagram, it seems much more current and relevant to how a lot of young disabled people experience the world. Get fired up with training ideas and fall into a YouTube hole watching videos of Molly and her adorable guide dog Gallop.
1.30pm: B has worked a short shift today and calls to say he’s finished and would I like pizza for lunch. A new pizza-by-the-slice place has opened nearby and a little slice sounds perfect. The Monzo notification reads £11.05 (£5.53 my share) which is more than I would spend on even a whole pizza, so feel slightly alarmed. B walks through the front door with three monster slices with different toppings, which we split evenly. It’s AMAZING. I wasn’t even that hungry but polish off the lot and immediately regret my slice of toast. Bread for days. Feel completely stuffed but shove down an apple to cancel out all the pizza because that’s how food maths works.
5.30pm: After a productive Friday afternoon plugged into a disco playlist and boshing through some admin tasks, my working week is done. Closing the laptop is the new leaving the office. Make the long commute of 80cm from my desk to my bed, flop in the sun and play a puzzle game on my phone. Lockdown has brought out the phone game addict in me. I tell myself that puzzles are a good way of keeping my decaying old brain young and healthy and not just a mindless time vacuum. Wish I had the same approach with my physical health.
7pm: B has whipped up a dinner of slow-roasted tomato spaghetti which we tuck into over the new episode of Canada’s Drag Race. I am the textbook straight white woman who is obsessed with the Drag Race franchise, sorry not sorry. Have no idea what’s going on in some parts of the show as the references and jokes are often Canada-related. We split a can of beer as neither of us is a huge drinker and sometimes just a little splash is enough.
9.15pm: We were going to watch something else but have ended up just chatting for the past hour about everything and nothing. As testing as these times can be on long-term relationships, there are definitely moments of simple joy to be found. The telly goes back on and we find another guilty pleasure: Gogglebox and First Dates. Settle in with a little bar of chocolate and am pleased to see Daisy May Cooper and her dad on Gogglebox. I think her sea captain Insta saga has been the highlight of lockdown.
11pm: Bedtime again. Intend on reading again. Play puzzle game on phone again. Fail. Again.
Total: £5.53
4.50am: A combination of factors wake me at this unholy hour. Firstly, I didn’t shut the curtains properly, causing the daylight to stream in much sooner than anticipated. Secondly, the seagulls have begun their demonic choral performance. Lie in bed with my eyes shut, wanting to fidget but also trying not to wake B. Wiggle out of my socks and pyjama bottoms (yes, I sleep with lots of layers on) to try and cool off. My brain puts on the ‘You’ve failed at every point in your life’ playlist, featuring hits such as ‘You spent all your savings you idiot’ and ‘You’re running out of time to build up a pension’. Spiral into a lovely depressed hole thinking about the uncertainty of the future, which is a great aid for restful sleep.
5.30am: Must have nodded off as I’m awoken by a massive clonk from the upstairs neighbour. She has been very active at odd hours recently, sounds like she’s slinging a bowling ball about the place. Give up on sleep and head to the living room to lie on the sofa and stare at a different ceiling for a while.
7.15am: Sent back to bed by B who is off for a morning run. Hoping I can squeeze some more sleep in.
9.30am: A couple of hours of broken snoozing later and I get up for the day, make coffee and have a banana. There’s a Black Lives Matter protest in town today which I have been on the fence about attending. I’m not great in a crowd at the best of times, so throw pandemic into the mix and my anxiety cranks up a notch. But I’m keen to do some physical activism alongside the reading, petition-signing and social media post-sharing. Message R and we agree to go, stick to the back or the sides of the march and leave if either of us isn’t feeling it (or to phrase it better, is feeling it too much). Have some proper breakfast, pack my water bottle and an apple and stick on my face mask.
1.45pm: What a success! The march was incredibly distanced, there were marshals at regular intervals with hand sanitiser, disposable masks and gloves, and it was such a peaceful event. So glad I went! Grab lunch at home and crash out on the bed after moving my body more than I have in a few days. Finally get around to watching the Disclosure documentary on Netflix about transgender representation in TV and film – informative, insightful, inspiring.
6.30pm: Drag myself out of bed after a chilled afternoon. B is out so I have most of the evening to myself. Watch the film Girlhood using my free trial of Mubi, it’s about a group of Black teenage girls living on an estate on the outskirts of Paris. Film is such a great way of exploring cultures and experiences that differ from what you know. Make a fish-finger sandwich for dinner.
10.30pm: Get into bed and watch the much talked-about Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith Red Table Talk on Facebook. Cringe at its finest.
Total: £0
9.30am: An easy morning with coffee and reading in bed, bliss. Sundays mean fluffy American pancakes for breakfast, and I make the best pancakes you’ll ever eat.
11.30am: Me and B head out for a walk along the seafront as we can’t tell what the weather’s up to. Turns out it’s warmer than anticipated and the beach is quiet for once, so we decide that an afternoon lying on the stones is in order. We nip home to pick up drinks, swimwear and reading material, in search of pesto to make a pasta salad for our packed lunch. Also pick up some other snacks for the afternoon, £2.10 for my half.
4.20pm: Spent a dreamy afternoon lying in the sun while sessioning yet more Brené Brown podcasts and occasionally napping. B decided against applying sunscreen and is now reaching for the aftersun, while I seem to have picked up a red-tinted lower half of my face after covering my eyes with my shirt. A very strong look.
7pm: Chicken and veg satay stir fry with some shop-bought spring rolls in front of an old Friends episode. I think our dining table is our least used piece of furniture.
10.30pm: Work tomorrow so try and get an early night. Put on a podcast and set the sleep timer as falling asleep in silence freaks me out.
Total: £2.10
8am: It’s a big day for me today: I’ll be getting the results of my course over the phone from my tutor so I’ll have definite confirmation that I’ll be going to uni in September. Even though I know I’ve passed, feel surprisingly nervous. Fuel up on my favourite breakfast combo of porridge and coffee but this time swap out banana for strawberries.
9.50am: My college WhatsApp group starts kicking off and I see that people have started getting their phone call. I’m due in a meeting in 10 minutes so know that I’m going to be distracted until I get my call.
10.56am: Smashed it! Distinction for every module and exceeded my university offer too which is a great feeling. To celebrate, B is going to cook whatever I want, which I decide will be a Thai green curry with sides and beers. Now to try and concentrate on my work for the rest of the day…
5.30pm: Surprise myself at how much I was able to get done this afternoon (albeit while multitasking with sending my results to my uni and having a standard ‘am I doing the right thing?’ moment). Feel absolutely exhausted by the time I log off from my emails, it’s been a real day.
7pm: Dinner (£8.88 my half) is served and I’m starting to feel a bit ropey so decide against a beer. My massive headache suggests it may be a little sunstroke mixed with dehydration from yesterday, so I eat the Thai curry accompanied by Drag Race and flop on the bed for the evening.
11.30pm: My boiling hot skin may be caused by the aforementioned sunstroke or the heat that my brain is generating from overthinking my uni and course choice. Have spent a whole evening researching and reevaluating my plans, going around in circles, scared of making the wrong decision. Close the laptop as it’s time to try to get some sleep and look forward to obsessing about this again tomorrow.
Total: £8.88
8.30am: No temping today so an unexpected day off. Awake to some mild life-choice anxiety which was due an appearance after yesterday’s news. B is up and ready for work, I stay in bed and try reading a fiction book to take me out of my own head.
8.45am: Put the book down as I can’t concentrate. B makes me coffee, I get out my notebook and try to journal my way out of this stuck feeling.
11.30am: Breakfasted, showered and dressed, I’m trying to put this anxious energy into a new social media project I want to start. Do some research into other similar projects and start laying out some plans which I hope will come to fruition. If you ever need someone to start something but not finish it, give me a call.
12.20pm: I have too many things that I want to do but no motivation to do them. A lockdown mood if ever there was one. Wanted to go into town to pick up some fabric to make a summer dress but the thought of going into shops today is making me feel worse. The only thing I really want to do is hide under my duvet but I don’t want to give in to my anxiety so take myself for a short walk. Head home with a bit of clarity, watch Secret Love on Netflix and ugly cry throughout. It’s cathartic.
3.30pm: Have moved my project work to my bed, which seems like the best compromise, and make some good headway. Find a book on the Kindle store and download it as part of my research (£3.99), start reading and am immediately engrossed. Get lots of ideas together and feel invigorated. This corona-coaster is A LOT.
5.10pm: Stick a couple of potatoes in the oven and get some chilli out of the freezer. A day like today calls for a jacket potato with chilli and a metric tonne of cheese.
8.30pm: While we do the washing up, B poses the question of what characteristic holds the most power: money, beauty or intelligence. I say money as you can buy beauty and intelligence (in the sense that you can pay for intelligent people to work for you). I describe the entire Kardashian-Jenner family tree with more detail than I knew I possessed. Future Mastermind subject?
10.30pm: Bed, podcast and a slightly clearer mind.
Total: £3.99
Food/Drink: £54.10
Entertainment: £3.99
Clothes/Beauty: £0
Travel: £0
Other: £0
Total: £58.09
Conclusion
“This was a pretty average-spend week for me, especially in the current climate. I haven’t been thinking about spending money nearly as much as usual as I’ve had nowhere to spend it. Usually I limit dinners and drinks with friends as I get really bad spend-guilt but the lack of social obligations currently has solved this issue (at least for the moment).
Weekly shopping has been a real game-changer in terms of us using up what we have and being more resourceful with our meal planning – perhaps the one good thing to come from lockdown for me?”
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