When you’re drunk, sex can be a blurry mess but when you’re sober, it’s alive, raw and somewhat vulnerable. It can take some getting used to and now research has suggested that consuming less alcohol can be better for your sex life by increasing intimacy and giving you more orgasms.
You may have had a pretty boozy Christmas (hello FOMO) and perhaps thinking of participating in Dry January to detox your liver, but will this affect your sex life? If you’re unsure, we’ve enlisted some help from five twenty-somethings who have all chosen to quit alcohol.
Ahead, we’ve asked them how sober sex has changed their lives — sexually, emotionally and physically — and how they are navigating the world of booze-free sex.
“I have been sober since April 2018 and I have been single since May 2019, so I have been navigating sober sex/dating ever since. I’m a very all or nothing person and my drinking was no longer sustainable if I wanted to live a healthy and happy life. It started affecting my mental health and so I decided I had to stop. Being sober has made me respect my body a lot more. I don’t give my body to someone unless I trust them and feel like they respect me. I also don’t fancy people as often; I have to really connect on a deeper conversational level to fancy someone.
“When I was drinking, it was all done on a really shallow level. Whereas now, when I have sober sex, you can remember it! No more trying to find your underwear and awkwardly asking for his name the morning after. It’s also much better because you can feel everything. I want to take my time to do it with the right person for me so it feels more real and meaningful. Although obviously with standards and boundaries in place, sex is a lot less. It’s a sign that you start attracting more healthier and respectful people once you start being healthier and respecting yourself.”
“I have been sober for 5 years, simply because it got too expensive to drink and I didn’t fancy paying for an Uber home every night. I love having sober sex because you are SO much more aware of who you’re having sex with. You’re really aware of how he makes you feel (sexually, emotionally, mentally) and how you feel towards him. There’s no drunk haze to hide behind, you know exactly how you feel about this guy in the moment and how he makes you feel.
“I felt like when I was drunk, more often than not it didn’t feel good and even if I wasn’t 100% attracted to them, I could still make it work. But OMG I tried having sex with someone I wasn’t totally physically attracted to (he was funny though) and I swear to God I had the equivalent of not being able to get it up. It was not fun, not good, no amount of relaxing or imagining someone else could get me going. Total disaster.”
“I have been sober on all my dates, aside from one or two. People often ask questions or act shocked when I say I don’t drink. When it comes to sex, I’ve always done it sober. Generally, I enjoy what that brings – a real focus on the moment, the experience we’re sharing. I’m quite soppy and I like intimacy a lot. I also enjoy sex and I like trying new things – and it feels right that both people are clear headed and can make really active, present decisions about what their sexual wants and needs are. I think it means we both derive a lot of pleasure out of the sex we have, that it is very deliberate.
“Sometimes I think if I drank I would be more confident in saying what I wanted. But I have to remind myself I have really good reasons for not drinking, and actually that confidence is something I can build myself, without looking to depend on alcohol for that.
“I enjoy having sex sober. I would say it’s a positive thing for both me and the people I’m with.”
“I’ve been with my partner for 18 months. Neither of us really drink so it’s been the same since we started seeing each other. He puts me at ease and I do the same for him so it doesn’t feel like we need to drink. When we have sex sober, it feels more natural and real.
“I feel less nervous weirdly, and I think having someone so understanding and caring has helped me not feel so self conscious of my figure during sex — I don’t feel the need to drink.”
“I’ve been sober for 5 months now. I decided to give up the booze to detox myself after years of random heavy nights and subsequent killer hangovers. I have been with my boyfriend for around 6 months now and he doesn’t tend to drink when we’re together. When we first had sex, it was very much a horny and rushed fumble all over the place after we’d go for a boozy date, and just not really taking time to really enjoy it. It was more a rush to an orgasm than anything else. Now, I think it’s even more passionate, really just sensual. The sex is prolonged and we both take time to really focus on giving the other an experience where we lose our inhibitions. In the morning when I wake up with a clear head next to my boyfriend, I feel instantly ready to go for it – much to his delight.
“Sober sex is more considered and deliberate. I find it really sexy, especially the sensual embracing afterwards. I particularly find that sober oral sex with my boyfriend, both giving and receiving, is incredibly satisfying. I get a huge amount of pleasure watching him reach orgasm. For me, my boyfriend experiments a lot with edging and teasing me to prolong the experience.
“It’s helped us both define what we like together. I love to be dominated and he really gets into the role. I think the candid environment lets us leave behind the inhibitions and go for it. I couldn’t do that when drunk, you’re just all over the place.
My orgasms are longer and much more intense. I feel like the connection between my partner during sex – more eye contact, other forms of interactions like talking – makes me more excited and even a little shy, I think this contributes to more heightened senses during orgasm. I’ve definitely got more clarity!”
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
This Many Young Brits Are Open To Polyamory